In this episode, Scott Brassart discusses the addictive nature of pornography, and why it's such a hard "drug" to quit. Scott and Tami then answer participant questions about porn addiction and recovery support for both the addict and the partner.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:30] Porn, written porn, and ‘not porn’ – all from a porn addict’s perspective.

[2:47] What makes so appealing porn to addicts?

[4:20] The two elements of pornography that make it highly addictive.

[12:45] What is happening inside your brain while watching porn?

[13:51] Porn, cocaine, and orgasm payoffs, ranked by pleasure levels.

[16:20] Why do some addicts have a physical library collection of porn?

[19:38] By escaping, porn addicts miss out on the good as well as the bad.

[24:48] Should I start using video editing apps to take away erotic content?

[27:20] What is the difference between porn addiction and compulsive porn usage?

[28:23] Is there anything healthy about sexualizing myself in a performative way?

[31:07] Is any element of porn usage healthy?

[34:12] As a sex and porn addict, is there any scenario where I could view porn in a healthy manner?

[38:30] Is sex itself ever going to be satisfying enough for my porn addict partner?

[42:13] How do I protect myself from rewiring my brain into an addict's brain?

[45:30] Is my addict partner trying to escape our marriage?

[48:58] If we have sex every night will my partner stop cheating?

[50:47] How can I be the best cheerleader to my partner through recovery?

[52:01] Is watching porn considered cheating?

[55:10] Resources that focus on grief and loss of porn addiction.

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• “If I’m looking at an image to get a physical arousal, it’s porn, whether somebody else would classify it as porn or not.”

• “Porn addict brains and cocaine addict brains are indistinguishable. The parts that are over and under developed look exactly the same.”

• “Addictions are not about pleasure. They’re about escape.”

• “There is nothing in a TV show that is worth me losing my recovery.”

• “There is no ‘just one’ for addicts.”

• “There is not a partner on the planet that can make their addict not act out if they’re ultimately going to.”

Dr. Eddie Capparucci and Tami discuss and answer questions about building confidence in recovery. They describe the coping strategies and layers of hurt that can be found on the pain field, and the four things that have to happen in order for a partner to successfully stay on the pain field in order to work toward recovery and healing. This session was live via SexandRelationshipHealing.com on February 21, 2024.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:30] The pain field is a place where both partners are speaking a different language.

[5:03] Emotional dysregulation happens when either partner leaves the pain field.

[7:25] Where does a partner go when they leave the pain field?

[9:10] Why should a partner want to stay on the pain field?

[11:30] Slowing everything down is the starting point for staying on the field.

[13:52] Quiet down the inner child to engage as an adult.

[15:32] Stay present and engaged, then identify the pain point.

[20:32] If you see your spouse moving off the pain field, tell them.

[24:00] The ultimate goal is reconciliation. Getting there will be a process.

[27:36] If a man is getting flooded, he needs to take a break.

[32:41] My spouse has a pattern of accidentally physically hurting me or my possessions, is this unconscious resentment?

[37:04] If my spouse needs to take a break, why doesn’t he just say so?

[38:12] We just got back together and now I’m experiencing abandonment trauma. What should I be focusing on to feel healthy?

[41:43] How can I be more attune to my wife’s wishes?

[45:20] How important is it that the betrayer be on the pain field?

[48:00] What does Dr. Eddie which he had known early in his recovery?

[49:34] My wife gets triggered when I don’t check in with her. Is this normal in recovery?

[51:45] How can I quiet my inner child if I don’t believe it’s real?

[53:45] My husband doesn’t think he’s dealing with addiction. How can we navigate recovery?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• “We’re not going to do anything perfectly, but if we’re willing, we stand a chance.”

• “You have to quiet the inner child before the emotions begin to ramp up.”

• “If you’re not engaged you may as well be on another field.”

• “Your infidelity is the cause, but not the core of your spouse’s pain.”

• “If your partner is totally deflated and depleted, you’re not going to get what you’re looking for. You’re going to get just the opposite.”

Debbie McRae takes on a word that she hears daily in her practice – gaslighting. Why do sex and porn addicts gaslight, and what can their partners do about it? This webinar covers what exactly gaslighting is, what purpose it serves, what it might sound like, and what you can do about it.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:30] Gaslighting is a term that Debbie McRae hears every single day in her practice.

[1:21] Simple and clinical definitions of gaslighting and common dialogue used in gaslighting.

[5:13] Acknowledgement of the seriousness of an addiction means the addict would have to do something about it.

[6:19] Gaslighting partners are trying to avoid facing reality and avoid confrontation.

[8:01] Increased defensiveness and denial are common signs of gaslighting.

[9:10] Addicts often believe they are the exception to the rules.

[10:09] Shame and extended periods of getting away with gaslighting are common reasons addicts continue to gaslight.

[11:25] Gaslighters have a style – the intimidator, the good guy, and the glamor gaslighter.

[15:24] DARVO – deny, attack, reverse the victim and offender – aims to shift the blame off the addict.

[16:35] The danger of minimizing rather than validating, withholding, countering, diverting and discrediting, deflection and distraction, and stereotypical labeling.

[22:49] Using loving words and rewriting history are confusing ways to manipulate a hurt partner.

[24:30] How can you stop the gaslighting as an addict?

[28:18] What can the betrayed partner do about gaslighting?

[34:50] The importance of focusing on your own recovery.

[38:01] Is it normal that my spouse won’t even talk to me about his porn addiction?

[44:21] How much responsibility do I need to take for my addict partner’s behavior?

[48:35] Why does my partner blame me when I am blindsided by his behavior?

[52:44] How can I identify real abuse versus the mental illness that is adding to the issues?

[55:00] How can I handle my partner’s passive aggressive behavior?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• “Gaslighting is a power trip. People gaslight because it gives them power.”

• “Gaslighting keeps the betrayed partner constantly on their toes and on high alert.”

• “Gaslighting can be really hard for the betrayed partner to identify.”

• “Betrayed partners have superior memories because they are connected to the prefrontal cortex.”

• “If you are a liar, know that you are a gaslighter and you have to be honest with yourself.”

Dr. Rob and Tami discuss some of the most common questions about relapse, including triggers, timing, and mental health considerations. They also address questions about fairness in affairs, the role of grief in recovery and healing, and when it’s time to stop worrying about your partner and start loving yourself.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:30] My partner started dating after our divorce, and now we are back together. Was she cheating?

[8:15] Resources for couples who don’t know how to move beyond the pain.

[11:10] Useful tools for those facing relapse.

[13:20] Handling the triggers that are associated with relapse and entitlement.

[18:24] If I am constantly objectifying or moving into fantasy about someone else, does that mean I’m slipping?

[24:17] Learning to function in reality is the work of recovery.

[26:24] Create a plan when you find yourself headed back toward acting out.

[30:28] The four most dangerous words for an addict – “I can handle it.”

[30:50] Am I stuck in victim mode like my spouse says I am?

[37:00] Empathy and compassion is central to recovery. When that is lacking there is a great chance that the addicted partner is relapsing.

[38:50] My husband has been plotting his back-ups, including with my sister. Where do I go from here?

[42:25] My husband is attracted to my female therapist. What should I do about it?

[48:05] My partner had an eight-year affair. Does he love her more than me?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• “What your wife did while you were divorced is not your problem. Your problem is how can we have clarity and new commitments moving forward.”

• “Relapse doesn’t just happen at the moment that the action happen. It happens when you gave yourself permission along the way.”

• “It’s much easier to make the right decisions when you have a plan.”

• “Learning to live in reality is the work of recovery.”

• “The four most dangerous words for an addict – ‘I can handle it’.”

Every recovering addict has to face their triggers at some point. Triggers that are handled in a healthy way don’t result in regrettable behaviors, while unmanaged triggers can lead to additional pain and loss of trust. Seeking Integrity’s Scott Brassart joins Tami for a conversation about the nature of triggers and the options that addicts have when dealing with them. This session was live via SexandRelationshipHealing.com on December 20, 2023.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:30] What are triggers? What happens when they are set off?

[2:04] Internal triggers relate to feelings such as fear, shame, loneliness, and boredom.

[4:06] External triggers include arguments, visual stimuli, unstructured free time and more.

[6:04] Not all triggers are negative, but all triggers elicit a response.

[7:04] Betrayed partners are often dealing with post-traumatic triggers.

[8:10] Step number one when feeling triggered – pause and figure out what you’re feeling.

[12:05] Triggers are simply data that you can use intentionally.

[15:23] Your partner is not always the best support person to turn to.

[18:13] The importance of gratitude when facing triggers.

[19:00] Being triggered can be considered a gift.

[24:37] People trigger me – am I even fit to be a partner?

[27:15] My sleep is affected by my trauma and pain. What can I do?

[36:25] Intimacy and anger avoidance both point to trauma and underlying pain.

[43:06] How can I manage my triggered feelings about the other addicts in my husband’s recovery group?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• “Triggers spin us into a cycle of something that we don’t want to be in.”

• “Triggers are normal for addicts, they’re normal for betrayed partners, they’re normal for people whose lives are perfect!”

• “All feelings are driven by needs – good feelings are met needs, bad feelings are unmet needs.”

• “Triggers lose power when they’re not rewarded.”

Boundaries can be one of the hardest areas in recovery for both the addict and their partner. Addicts and their partners only have one thing in their control during recovery – themselves. Setting up both internal and external boundaries is key to a successful recovery journey. In this online webinar, therapist Debbie McRae discusses internal boundaries.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:25] Common boundary mistakes that are setting recovering couples up to fail.

[2:10] What safety boundaries are (and aren’t).

[4:05] Internal boundaries define what you will and won’t tolerate from your partner.

[6:28] ‘Thinking’ boundaries allow us to challenge our negative thoughts.

[12:47] ‘Emotion and feeling’ boundaries allow us to decide if and how to move forward.

[15:35] Choosing to respond rather than react.

[20:11] Internal boundaries that focus on healthy actions and behaviors.

[27:15] Appropriate boundaries around betrayal details.

[31:40] The best place to start is with yourself.

[36:40] If the goal is connection, boundaries are essential.

[37:15] My partner doesn’t even know what they’re feeling. Where do we start?

[44:01] My partner refuses to put in the work. Now what?

[47:52] How does neurodiversity affect our relationship and recovery?

[52:35] My partner lied about his therapist. Where do I go from here?

[56:08] I need help setting reasonable boundaries.

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• “Boundaries are about keeping the good in and the bad out.”

• “Internal boundaries allow you to question the facts without getting triggered into distressing emotions.”

• “I can approach my feelings as opportunities to learn about myself and my partner.”

• “The more time we spend getting to know our internal boundaries around our actions and behaviors, the better the outcome is going to be.”

Forgiveness is a long and winding process. Like grief, it takes many forms and cannot be rushed or demanded. Betrayed partners can choose to offer forgiveness on their own timelines. Dr. Rob and Tami explore the steps of forgiveness, the timeline of returning intimacy, and what it takes for an addict to truly hit rock bottom and start to make real change.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:28] What is a good indicator that a betrayed spouse is ready to start working on forgiveness?

[6:06] What is your motivation for forgiveness?

[10:05] What is a realistic timeline for returning intimacy?

[13:48] Is revenge sex ever appropriate?

[19:08] What does it take for an addict to truly hit rock bottom?

[27:00] If the threat of losing their family doesn’t change an addict, will anything?

[28:00] How much of my husband’s acting out was done consciously versus as a result of drug use?

[32:45] My cheating spouse hasn’t had sex with me in 3 years. Should I have sex with him now that he has confessed?

[36:14] Why is my partner still triggered about my betrayal when it was over a year ago?

[43:58] Should we sell the house that my partner cheated on me in?

[47:52] What recovery resources are available to me and my partner?

[53:52] Is it okay to ask my husband to share what he discussed in therapy?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

QUOTES

• “Forgiveness is like grief. It’s a long and rolling process.”

• “Intimacy is taking a risk that your partner might reject you. It’s one of the highest forms of vulnerability.”

• “If you, your relationship, and your children weren’t important enough to your addict, then nothing will be important enough.”

• “If we are not your first treatment program, we want to be your last.”

An apology is a starting point, a basic human relationship skill, and an essential component of healing. In this twice-monthly Rocking Relationships in Recovery webinar, host Jon Taylor, Utah Therapist (CSAT), discusses how and why to effectively apologize.

TAKEAWAYS:

[3:08] Executed well, an apology can be a powerful change for a person issuing the apology.

[4:06] John shares the first big fight he and his spouse had in their marriage.

[6:41] Saying ‘I’m sorry’ is the first step, then asking ‘How can I help?’”

[12:25] If your apology is coupled with resentment, you’re not doing it right.

[15:30] Turn on your thinking brain and consider what you could do differently.

[18:30] Offer solutions to your partner that can correct the hurt.

[22:05] The danger of a forced apology.

[24:08] The non-apology apology is thinly veiled manipulation.

[27:27] How can I proceed when the people I’ve hurt refuse to talk to me?

[33:14] How does self-sabotage show up for both addicts and betrayed partners?

[37:40] Self activation and authentication can open us up to hurt as well as clarity.

[38:50] How can I react to my addict spouse if he refuses support?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

QUOTES

• “If you’re going to use apology, you need to be ready to follow through. Otherwise you’re going to hollow out the word and make it the word that signals the start of a fight, not the start of repair.”

• “Apology, executed well, can be a powerful change for the person issuing the apology.”

• “I ended up listening and paying attention, and that’s the power of saying ‘I’m sorry’.”

• “Be careful not to hold your ‘I’m sorry’ hostage or make it conditional. If you’re doing that, then you are the problem.”

• “We’re misusing an apology when we expect it to be a quick fix.”

• “We never know where our person’s breaking point is and we can’t be the one to define that.”