Licensed marriage and family therapist Kristin Snowden discusses carried shame and the danger of absorbing a betraying partner’s shame-filled life. She offers hope and tools for resiliency so that a betrayed partner can move through their own healing and get their lives and self-worth back again. She and Tami then answer participant questions about shame, addiction, and healing.

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:30] Understanding the terms associated with trauma healing, addiction recovery, and carried shame.

[4:37] The importance of knowing your own shame stories.

[5:20] Defining carried shame in a betrayed partner.

[9:36] Every human being experiences shame and guilt.

[14:27] Why do we experience shame?

[18:04] The role of shame in the addiction cycle.

[20:30] The 4 basic shame-filled stories that addicts operate out of.

[26:35] How does carried shame occur?

[38:48] How does carried shame manifest in the betrayed partner?

[39:35] How can carried shame be healed?

[46:19] D-Day was yesterday. What’s next?

[48:03] How can I prepare for disclosure as a betrayed partner?

[51:43] How can my wife live with an addict like me?

[57:35] Why is my partner so incredibly defensive and derogatory toward me?

[1:00:00] How can I accept the fact that I may be in a carried shame relationship?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• “As part of your healing journey, it’s necessary that you really get to know what your shame stories are.”

• “Shame has good intentions, but it only drenches you with a painful experience.”

• “Shame is a powerful, contagious emotion.”

• “Shame lives in the non-language part of your brain. The more you talk about it, the more you can recognize distorted thinking around it.”

• “Shame does not get sorted out in an isolated way.”

Angela Spearman, CSAT describes “globalized mistrust” as the tsunami of impact on betrayed partners after discovery. But what are the core thoughts and fears underlying and maintaining that tsunami once it gets going? Together with Tami she addresses strategies for dealing with uncertainty, then answers participant questions about betrayal, boundaries, and triggers and more.

TAKEAWAYS:

[2:09] The catalyst for the existential experience and global mistrust.

[5:20] Common questions from the betrayed partner (and what they really mean).

[7:27] Reshaping existential questions to encourage healing.

[11:10] The negative impact of rigid thinking.

[17:45] Complex and overwhelming realities in the world.

[21:00] Flexible thinking as a strategy for hope against cynicism.

[25:32] 3-step strategy for dealing with uncertainty.

[32:17] Processing the things you can’t control.

[36:40] I’m spiraling through my shame and I can’t support my wife either. Now what?

[42:18] How can I convey my boundaries to my partner?

[47:16] Why did my husband act out in the first place?

[51:26] How can I support my betrayed partner when she no longer wants my support?

[53:29] How do I navigate communication issues due to trauma?

[55:47] Why would I ever rebuild a relationship with someone so despicable?

[59:03] Is my recovery work creating more triggers?

[1:01:08] How does one get the betrayer to stop playing the victim?

[1:04:01] How can I move past feelings of injustice of stolen time and feeling used?

[1:06:28] How do I protect myself from being reinjured until I decide whether to leave?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• “In any type of crisis that you go through, you’re going to start asking some of these existential questions.”

• “We start with a fact and then start forming beliefs and expectations based on things we’ve experienced in the past.”

• “When we stop and pay attention to what our thoughts really look like, it can help us feel more empowered.”

• “Hope is energizing. It empowers you.”

• “There may never be a good enough answer.”

In this weekly Sex and Intimacy Q&A, Dr. Rob and Tami answer questions about sex, cheating, intimacy, betrayal and more. They explore chronic lying, the power of mindset, the difference between firm boundaries and abuse, and more of the common but painful issues that betrayed partners face.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:30] I don’t want my betraying partner to touch me. How can I show empathy?

[5:42] How can I address our lack of emotional and physical intimacy?

[12:08] Is separation the right next step in recovery?

[13:19] EMDR and somatic experience techniques as tools for moving past trauma.

[18:11] Recovery work is essential in healing.

[21:56] My partner is physically present but emotionally checked out of recovery.

[30:20] Choosing a different path in the recovery process.

[33:16] What is the difference between being firm and being abusive?

[42:22] My partner’s lying addiction is worse than his porn addiction. What treatment plan is available for lying?

[46:37] How can I ask my partner about her recovery healing path when she won’t open up to me?

[50:05] What is the goal of separation?

[52:00] How can I change my mindset about my slow recovery?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• “You might get validation wrong, but doing nothing makes it worse than trying something and not doing it perfectly.”

• “You can’t work on trauma when you’re still acting out.”

• “Are you more focused on your pain or your healing?”

• “The recovery battle has more to do with the choices you’re making than the things that happened to you.”

• “People who are committed to the recovery process are willing to do whatever it takes to be on a different path.”

• “You don’t have to be hit to be profoundly abused.”

• “You cannot remain a liar and be in active recovery.”

In this weekly Sex and Intimacy Q&A, Seeking Integrity Clinical Director Erin Snow and Tami consider the reasons that a betraying partner may refuse to admit their shame, whether it’s worth waiting a few more days to see if a partner is going to start respecting boundaries, and how to respond to a partner’s enmeshment, lying, and childhood trauma.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:30] How can we get the recovery support we need two years after disclosure?

[6:19] What is too soon for couples therapy?

[9:30] Why does my partner always walk in front of me?

[13:43] Should I wait 30 more days for my betrayer to start respecting my boundaries?

[19:24] Why are so many sex addicts enmeshed with a parent?

[23:35] My therapist can’t believe I want to stay with my partner. Now what?

[31:38] How can I hold space for my partner’s wounds and trauma?

[38:03] How do I handle my partner’s incomplete information about his betrayal?

[45:35] How can I understand my partner’s childhood trauma and patterns of withdrawal?

[49:36] Why can’t my partner stop lovebombing me?

[53:50] My partner is a sex and love addict, what does limerance mean?

[57:10] “I don’t hate myself” – does my partner feel any shame?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• “When both partners are stabilized in their own healing journeys, couples therapy is that much more effective.”

• “Your partner just wants to walk next to you in life.”

• “Are the actions you’re taking allowing me to move closer to you or forcing me to move further away from you?”

• “Choosing to stay in a relationship or choosing to go is something that only you deal with every day.”

• “Addiction doesn’t thrive in honesty. It has to thrive in lying.”

In this weekly Sex and Intimacy Q&A, Tami and The Shoeless Therapist Matt Wheeler discuss two types of change – counteractive change and transformational change – and how each one impacts healing. They also consider honesty, manipulation, and lying; and warn listeners of the danger of a partner claiming that they’ll never hurt you again.

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:57] Defining counteractive change and transformational change.

[4:08] Early recovery almost always includes counteractive change.

[5:33] Honesty is a complicated request.

[9:37] Reflective and dissociative lying are learned behaviors.

[11:49] Trusting your gut around lying patterns.

[17:20] Lying to set boundaries and allow for self-preservation.

[22:32] Is this lie going to hurt my relationship?

[24:40] Counteractive change does not lead to deeper healing.

[29:55] Your partner cannot always be the catalyst for your behavior.

[34:10] Threatening is about control, not about fostering relationships.

[37:28] Trusting your own intuition and getting your needs met.

[41:40] How can I handle my betrayed partner’s indignation and anger?

[47:05] How can I respond to my partner’s promise to never hurt me again?

[53:18] How can I approach my extremely avoidant partner?

[56:07] My cheating partner was never going to tell me the truth. Now what?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• “All lying is manipulative in the sense that you’re trying to manipulate the other person to think and feel a certain way.”

• “Trust your gut when you recognize a familiar pattern.”

• “Sometimes a person can change because they love someone else. Real transformative change happens because they love themselves.”

• “No relationship is healthy if it's filled with threats.”

• “Even if you could prove that acting out didn’t occur, that’s not the point. Your intuition is telling you that you have needs that aren’t being met.”

• “You cannot make any choice in life without accepting a loss.”

In this weekly Sex and Intimacy Q&A, Tami and CSAT Jon Taylor consider the implications of two-person psychology and how cheating and betrayal never affect just one person. Jon shares common early recovery mantras as they apply to the two-person psychology filter, then answers listener questions about lying, sobriety, and disclosure.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:30] Mantras for early recovery in the two-person psychology filter.

[3:06] “Focus on your side of the street.”

[6:01] Living with uncertainty in your relationship - “He will relapse if he’s going to relapse.”

[9:15] Whatever you put in front of recovery, you will lose.

[14:08] Does your partner need to tell you everything?

[20:09] “All addicts are…” The danger of broad sweeping statements.

[24:15] “Sobriety will solve all relationship problems.”

[29:32] How can I overcome my fear of full disclosure?

[34:55] Should I move out because my partner is uncertain about my recovery?

[39:15] “Don’t go to the hareware store looking for bread.”

[42:45] My husband altered his disclosure after his lie detector results came in. How can I ever trust him?

[45:57] How much of the past should we spend our time discussing?

[49:12] Are lies of omission typical of addicts?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• “You don’t quite get the whole picture of healing, change and recovery if you’re not thinking in terms of two-person systems.”

• “What happens on one side of the street affects the other side too.”

• “He will relapse if he’s going to relapse.”

• “Each partner should be able to explain in simple terms why or why not something should be discussed.”

• “Living with intention can only be achieved by two people working on a relationship and constructing it in a co-equal way.”

• “Sobriety is a prerequisite to building a healthy relationship, but it is not the mechanism that a healthy relationship is built with.”

• “It doesn’t have to feel good every step of the way to get a good outcome.”

• “You can’t have serious safety and security in a relationship if you don’t take it seriously.”

In this weekly Sex and Intimacy Q&A, Dr. Rob and Tami address participant questions about sex, intimacy, betrayal, and addiction. They answer questions about finding peace with yourself in the midst of rage and repulsion, choosing recovery and allowing the process of forgiveness to play out, and how to find hope in the midst of betrayal.

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:00] Forgiveness is a process and recovery is a choice.

[7:01] Are you taking care of your spouse while you’re dying inside?

[12:26] Is in-house separation the next right step?

[18:18] My husband’s betrayal has created chronic triggers in me. Now what?

[26:56] Finding hope in the midst of betrayal.

[27:44] What therapy is available to my lying partner?

[36:16] What can I do to grow my emotional maturity when I’m stressed?

[41:31] How can I move beyond my rage and repulsion at my betraying partner?

[49:28] How do you know when your partner is serious about change or just going through the motions?

[54:05] I have so much rage and I want revenge. How can I fix this?

[57:44] Should I know what my partner’s arousal template is?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• “Begging for forgiveness is not respecting the other person because they need to hurt for a while.”

• “You’re the one with the problem if you still let him in your bed.”

• “Women are not the problem. Your cheating husband is the problem.”

• “Whatever the other person does, you have to be strong enough to say ‘I am worth more’.”

• “Don’t ask ‘how can I not feel this way?’ Ask ‘how can I be at peace with myself?’”

In this weekly Sex and Intimacy Q&A, Dr. Rob and Tami address the facts about forgiveness, trust, connection and peace, both in the early days of recovery as well as years down the road. They offer strategies for effective in-house separation, call out the warning signs of gaslighting, and get serious about setting feelings aside to start facing the facts.

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:30] How can I find an accountability partner for filtering software?

[7:20] Is it a slip or a relapse?

[9:20] What are appropriate time frames and factors for recovery?

[14:45] Healing, peace and connection after betrayal.

[19:21] How can I intimately connect with my spouse after my betrayal?

[25:47] I caught my husband in the middle of his lies. Now what?

[33:24] Are there options for inpatient treatment for betrayed partners?

[38:20] Strategies for effective in-house separation.

[39:45] My husband wants to leave to find external validation, I want him to stay. What do I do?

[44:53] Is my betraying partner gaslighting me through recovery too?

[50:19] Is it normal for the betraying spouse to be terrified of formal disclosure?

[54:17] How can we stay together without trust?

[58:15] It’s been 5 years since D-day and I’m finally ready to move out. How can I stay strong in my decision?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• “Life is full of triggers. What is it that you’re going to do about your triggers?”

• “You will never trust in the same way again. But to be at peace is a whole different thing.”

• “Intimacy is revealing yourself emotionally, and ultimately, sexually as well.”

• “Honesty is the crux of recovery. You cannot be in recovery and constantly lying about everything.”

• “Feelings aren’t facts. In recovery, your feelings are less relevant than the facts of what you’re going through.”