Dr. Rob and Tami tackle hard questions about sex and intimacy in the wake of betrayal. They cover the role of a spouse in supporting their partner ‘for better and for worse”, how to set boundaries that take care of you first, and addressing the trauma and intrusive thoughts that often come after disclosure.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:20] Where do personal responsibility and societal norms come into play?

[7:27] A spouse’s job is to take care of themselves.

[12:30] How can I deal with my trauma and intrusive thoughts about my partner’s acting out?

[18:56] Acknowledging the level of troubled your partner really is.

[23:07] How can we connect through non-sexual intimacy?

[30:02] Is it common for people with addictions to seek out others with similar problems?

[38:42] Does our marriage counselor also need to be a CSAT?

[41:42] My spouse is refusing a polygraph test. How can I ever trust him?

[46:50] Should I address porn viewing or obsessive masturbation first?

[49:47] My partner has been with underage girls. How do I handle this?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• “As an addict, I need people to support me and relate to me, but as a spouse, that’s not your job.”

• “Addicts are not bad people. They’re broken people.”

• “If I fight my addict, I’m going to lose every time.”

• “The more questions you ask, the more questions it will bring up.”

• ‘Express what you need but don’t blame if you’re not getting it.”

Therapist Erin Snow shares insights into addiction, betrayal, boundaries and healing. She underscores the impact of addiction in the workplace, the importance of setting boundaries after betrayal, the realities of weaponizing sex in a partnership, and why betrayed partners often pursue safety seeking behaviors during healing.

TAKEAWAYS:

[2:05] How addiction manifests in the workplace.

[5:17] My husband is SA genetic – is nature or nurture going to win out?

[9:45] The intimacy disorder underneath compulsive sexual behavior.

[11:32] Healthy goals for a successful separation from an addicted partner.

[17:18] The benefits of a period of separation in the healing journey.

[19:00] Can married sex addicts use their spouses to act out even if they don’t have extramarital affairs?

[24:45] My partner threatens to leave me if I don’t give her what she wants. What should I do?

[25:30] My partner doesn’t like to talk about consequences if he acts out. What can I do?

[29:45] How can I turn away from shame and toward growth and healing?

[33:14] Should I report my ex to help keep women safe?

[39:17] Is lying an inner circle behavior?

[45:20] Should I hire a polygraph test to help me heal from my partner's lying behavior?

[50:49] My partner is not being fully honest in therapy. What should I tell her CSAT to help us both?

[52:34] Should I stop snooping even though I continually uncover my partner's lies?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• “Our willingness to change dramatically shifts when the consequences are more painful than continuing is.”

• “The person who is willing to stop and turn around and stare that generational pattern in the face and is willing to do the work can break the cycle for generations to come.”

• “Let each other go, or get a really solid plan together for the time that you’re separated.”

• “Your boundaries are about what you are going to do, and they require your partner to do nothing.”

• “I don’t have to have some kind of proof that something is dramatically off to set a boundary so that I feel safer.”

Therapist Debbie McRae discusses options for the betrayed partner when the betraying partner is stalling or not fully in recovery. She offers tactics for partners who are stuck in the cycle of fear and uncertainty and are ready to regain control in healthy ways while seeking safety after betrayal.

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:05] Common recovery limbo scenarios and what each one means.

[4:33] Recovery limbo happens when the betraying partner won’t take responsibility for their behavior.

[7:25] Seven signs that your addict partner is struggling with recovery.

[9:23] Six strategies for regaining healthy control after betrayal.

[13:14] Setting boundaries for effectively reestablishing safety.

[21:06] The importance of a healthy support group and self-care in recovery.

[25:26] Betrayed partners need therapy too.

[29:21] What to do after you’ve tried unhealthy safety seeking.

[31:42] The thought of physical intimacy gives me the ick feeling. How can I begin to heal?

[37:13] Connecting with your spouse about physical intimacy outside the bedroom.

[39:04] At what in point in recovery is couples counseling recommended?

[45:05] The value of releasing information in couples therapy.

[46:11] My CSAT wants to bring my betraying partner into our session. Is that odd?

[50:45] My partner is an avoidant porn addict, is psychoanalysis recommended?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• “True recovery requires that the addict partner have that intrinsic motivation to heal their addiction.”

• “You have to be, as a betrayed partner, really open and honest and authentic about your boundaries.”

• “The goal of a boundary consequence is not punishment, it’s creating safety.”

• “Don’t just identify as a betrayed partner. You have to hold onto you as well.”

Dr. Rob Weiss and Tami answer participant questions about the importance of combining sex and drug addictions in treatment and recovery, the danger of staying stuck in the rage phase, and who you have control over in healing and recovery (it’s you and only you!).

TAKEAWAYS:

[:55] Does ‘vanilla’ porn really affect our relationship? I don’t believe it’s hurting my partner.

[5:53] What are the major differences between sex addiction treatment/recovery and drug addiction treatment/recovery?

[12:25] The importance of tackling both sex and drugs in addiction treatment and recovery.

[15:40] I’m stuck in the rage phase - how can I decide to heal or leave?

[23:05] You cannot drag someone else into healing, but you can heal YOU.

[27:18] My partner is so ill that I can’t help him anymore. What do I do now?

[35:24] Why do so many CSATs coddle their patients?

[41:11] My partner recently uncovered childhood sexual trauma. What should come first - couples therapy or CSAT work?

[46:48] Can my partner pray his way out of addiction?

[49:35] Write this down - there is nothing I have ever done or am currently doing or will ever do to make my partner act out.

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• “If you have a sex addiction, I don’t want you to stop having sex. I want you to do it in a way that’s healthy and honest.”

• “Addiction is not about the behavior, it’s about the function it serves.”

• “You have the opportunity to choose. You don’t have to stay stuck in this.”

• “Give yourself the gift of getting the help you need.”

Dr. Rob Weiss and Tami answer participant questions about the challenges of rebuilding trust in a betrayed relationship and the importance of focusing on what you can do as a betrayed partner instead of focusing on what your addict partner can’t or shouldn’t do.

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:40] My reluctant, betrayed spouse has been gone for a year. How can I approach them about my behavior?

[6:43] I feel like I’m seeing the world through a different lens in recovery. Is this typical?

[10:33] How can I better understand my partner’s damage and betrayal trauma?

[14:04] I think my spouse is lying about his recovery and he failed his porn addiction test. Now what?

[22:45] What resources are available to learn more about addiction so I can better understand my loved one?

[27:02] I don’t trust my partner’s CSAT because of my history with unhelpful counselors. What can I do to improve our dynamic all around?

[33:25] What are some actionable ways I can rebuild trust with my betrayed partner?

[39:25] What is the best 12-Step recovery program for me?

[44:05] I can’t stop lying to my betrayed spouse. Is this a slippery slope back into addiction?

[51:16] My partner has multiple addictions and is compartmentalizing recovery. Is this the best approach?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• “If you choose to leave your partner, you don’t do it to make them do something differently.”

• “While in recovery, we have to look at the world through a different lens.”

• “Getting sober is not about not doing things.”

• “If we’re not in recovery, we are not living in integrity. But if we’re willing to change, we can have an amazing life.”

• “You cannot fix a problem with intimacy and connection and loneliness while the person is still acting out.”

• “A spouses job is to take care of themselves, their self-care and their boundaries, not to focus on you.”

• “Being honest takes practice if you’ve been lying forever.”

This week’s conversation features The Shoeless Therapist Matt Wheeler. He answers questions about needs and wants, the role of sex in meeting relationship needs, and what partners can do to feel more securely attached to each other.

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:24] Is disclosure always necessary?

[3:43] People in recovery often aren’t aware of what their needs truly are.

[6:42] What happens when we neglect our own needs in favor of others?

[9:36] Babies understand that making demands develops love.

[11:05] The danger of ignoring your needs during recovery.

[13:55] Is sex a need or is it a tool?

[17:40] Slow down and figure out how to communicate your needs to your partner.

[22:53] Only one of the four categories of needs can be met in a partnership.

[27:10] The importance of relational agreements.

[30:08] Who holds all the cards in our relationship?

[35:57] I’m doing all the heavy lifting in our relationship, why should I meet his needs?

[42:10] The underlying needs behind sexual advancements.

[45:55] What do we need to explore that will feel fulfilling for both of us?

[49:50] How can I better receive my partner’s bids for attachment?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• “Wants and needs are ultimately synonymous.”

• “Both partners deserve to express and meet needs within the relationship.”

• “Boundaries give the other person an opportunity to treat me to my needs.”

• “Slow down and figure out how to communicate your needs to your partner better.”

• “The only category of needs that you can meet as a couple is relational.”

• “Without trust in a relationship, you’re going to have a hard time with attachment.”

In this week’s Sex and Intimacy Q&A, Dr. Rob Weiss answers participant questions about spectrum disorders, personality disorders, honest therapeutic disclosure, and the importance of involving qualified professionals in diagnosis and recovery.

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:08] What are the key differences between the compulsion of a sex addict and OCD?

[6:08] The danger of self-diagnosing personality and mood disorders.

[11:51] Is the treatment the same for hypersexuality and sex addiction?

[16:50] How can my partner have an honest therapeutic disclosure if he doesn’t remember what he did?

[20:23] The importance of involving qualified professionals in recovery.

[24:46] Am I dealing with a sex addiction or chronic cheating?

[31:36] How does an addict come to recognize lying and omission of details?

[37:46] Is it dangerous for my addicted partner to only communicate with their support group via text?

[39:42] Key differences between addiction and co-occurring mental health issues.

[42:00] Are all CSATs trained in therapeutic disclosure?

[44:56] How can I support my friend on the spectrum with their addiction?

[50:06] Is my partner ready for disclosure if he still has active accounts on sex and dating websites?

[53:23] How can I set healthy boundaries against my partner’s rage?

[54:42] Can my addict partner stay separated from other addicts so they can’t act out together?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• “At the end of the day, even people with obsessive compulsive disorders can get help.”

• “Often the behavior looks manic, but it’s really addiction.”

• “Having one positive experience isn’t going to drive long-term change.”

• “There is zero downside to doing recovery work.”

• “Stopping problematic behavior is just abstinence, it doesn’t change your life.”

• “Recovery isn’t about stopping behavior. It’s about integrity and doing the right thing.”

In this webinar, CSAT therapist Jon Taylor offers a high-level overview of Attachment Theory, how it manifests as maturity in a relationship, and how it impacts sex addiction and betrayal trauma recovery. Jon and Tami then answer questions about attachment theory's role in creating strong relationships.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:55] The role of attachment theory in addiction recovery.

[1:58] The history and research of attachment theory.

[7:02] Emotions and comfort are not a luxury, they are a necessity.

[8:20] Maturity in a relationship is not making one another responsible for your attachment deficits.

[9:35] Patterns in baseline attachment styles.

[13:20] Recent findings in attachment theory.

[15:50] What does attachment theory teach about maturity in relationships?

[19:20] How does attachment style apply to couples in recovery?

[23:18] Contemplating real loss and forgiveness in recovery.

[27:40] How can I navigate trauma in a way that doesn’t traumatize my children?

[29:55] Attachment and personality grow out of temperament, but presentation can change over time.

[35:04] Attachment explains everything, but it’s not the answer to everything.

[36:10] As a partner, how can I preserve our progress and disengage early in the negative cycle?

[39:22] How can I overcome my attachment style to create a stronger marriage?

[43:51] How long should an SA be in treatment before making a long term relationship decision?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• “It’s one of the most annoying parts of therapy, but it really does all come back to mom and dad.”

• “Part of attachment theory is understanding that emotions and comfort are not a luxury, they are a necessity.”

• “Maturity in a relationship is not making one another responsible for your attachment deficits.”

• “Attachment theory is important but it does not totally dictate how we can and must show up in our relationships.”

• “For maturity to take place, we have to learn how to control our impulses.”

• “Attachment explains everything, but it’s not the answer to everything.”