Licensed marriage and family therapist Kristin Snowden discusses carried shame and the danger of absorbing a betraying partner’s shame-filled life. She offers hope and tools for resiliency so that a betrayed partner can move through their own healing and get their lives and self-worth back again. She and Tami then answer participant questions about shame, addiction, and healing.

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:30] Understanding the terms associated with trauma healing, addiction recovery, and carried shame.

[4:37] The importance of knowing your own shame stories.

[5:20] Defining carried shame in a betrayed partner.

[9:36] Every human being experiences shame and guilt.

[14:27] Why do we experience shame?

[18:04] The role of shame in the addiction cycle.

[20:30] The 4 basic shame-filled stories that addicts operate out of.

[26:35] How does carried shame occur?

[38:48] How does carried shame manifest in the betrayed partner?

[39:35] How can carried shame be healed?

[46:19] D-Day was yesterday. What’s next?

[48:03] How can I prepare for disclosure as a betrayed partner?

[51:43] How can my wife live with an addict like me?

[57:35] Why is my partner so incredibly defensive and derogatory toward me?

[1:00:00] How can I accept the fact that I may be in a carried shame relationship?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• “As part of your healing journey, it’s necessary that you really get to know what your shame stories are.”

• “Shame has good intentions, but it only drenches you with a painful experience.”

• “Shame is a powerful, contagious emotion.”

• “Shame lives in the non-language part of your brain. The more you talk about it, the more you can recognize distorted thinking around it.”

• “Shame does not get sorted out in an isolated way.”

Angela Spearman, CSAT describes “globalized mistrust” as the tsunami of impact on betrayed partners after discovery. But what are the core thoughts and fears underlying and maintaining that tsunami once it gets going? Together with Tami she addresses strategies for dealing with uncertainty, then answers participant questions about betrayal, boundaries, and triggers and more.

TAKEAWAYS:

[2:09] The catalyst for the existential experience and global mistrust.

[5:20] Common questions from the betrayed partner (and what they really mean).

[7:27] Reshaping existential questions to encourage healing.

[11:10] The negative impact of rigid thinking.

[17:45] Complex and overwhelming realities in the world.

[21:00] Flexible thinking as a strategy for hope against cynicism.

[25:32] 3-step strategy for dealing with uncertainty.

[32:17] Processing the things you can’t control.

[36:40] I’m spiraling through my shame and I can’t support my wife either. Now what?

[42:18] How can I convey my boundaries to my partner?

[47:16] Why did my husband act out in the first place?

[51:26] How can I support my betrayed partner when she no longer wants my support?

[53:29] How do I navigate communication issues due to trauma?

[55:47] Why would I ever rebuild a relationship with someone so despicable?

[59:03] Is my recovery work creating more triggers?

[1:01:08] How does one get the betrayer to stop playing the victim?

[1:04:01] How can I move past feelings of injustice of stolen time and feeling used?

[1:06:28] How do I protect myself from being reinjured until I decide whether to leave?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• “In any type of crisis that you go through, you’re going to start asking some of these existential questions.”

• “We start with a fact and then start forming beliefs and expectations based on things we’ve experienced in the past.”

• “When we stop and pay attention to what our thoughts really look like, it can help us feel more empowered.”

• “Hope is energizing. It empowers you.”

• “There may never be a good enough answer.”

In this weekly Sex and Intimacy Q&A, Dr. Rob and Tami answer questions about sex, cheating, intimacy, betrayal and more. They explore chronic lying, the power of mindset, the difference between firm boundaries and abuse, and more of the common but painful issues that betrayed partners face.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:30] I don’t want my betraying partner to touch me. How can I show empathy?

[5:42] How can I address our lack of emotional and physical intimacy?

[12:08] Is separation the right next step in recovery?

[13:19] EMDR and somatic experience techniques as tools for moving past trauma.

[18:11] Recovery work is essential in healing.

[21:56] My partner is physically present but emotionally checked out of recovery.

[30:20] Choosing a different path in the recovery process.

[33:16] What is the difference between being firm and being abusive?

[42:22] My partner’s lying addiction is worse than his porn addiction. What treatment plan is available for lying?

[46:37] How can I ask my partner about her recovery healing path when she won’t open up to me?

[50:05] What is the goal of separation?

[52:00] How can I change my mindset about my slow recovery?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• “You might get validation wrong, but doing nothing makes it worse than trying something and not doing it perfectly.”

• “You can’t work on trauma when you’re still acting out.”

• “Are you more focused on your pain or your healing?”

• “The recovery battle has more to do with the choices you’re making than the things that happened to you.”

• “People who are committed to the recovery process are willing to do whatever it takes to be on a different path.”

• “You don’t have to be hit to be profoundly abused.”

• “You cannot remain a liar and be in active recovery.”