In this episode, Scott Brassart discusses the addictive nature of pornography, and why it's such a hard "drug" to quit. Scott and Tami then answer participant questions about porn addiction and recovery support for both the addict and the partner.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:30] Porn, written porn, and ‘not porn’ – all from a porn addict’s perspective.

[2:47] What makes so appealing porn to addicts?

[4:20] The two elements of pornography that make it highly addictive.

[12:45] What is happening inside your brain while watching porn?

[13:51] Porn, cocaine, and orgasm payoffs, ranked by pleasure levels.

[16:20] Why do some addicts have a physical library collection of porn?

[19:38] By escaping, porn addicts miss out on the good as well as the bad.

[24:48] Should I start using video editing apps to take away erotic content?

[27:20] What is the difference between porn addiction and compulsive porn usage?

[28:23] Is there anything healthy about sexualizing myself in a performative way?

[31:07] Is any element of porn usage healthy?

[34:12] As a sex and porn addict, is there any scenario where I could view porn in a healthy manner?

[38:30] Is sex itself ever going to be satisfying enough for my porn addict partner?

[42:13] How do I protect myself from rewiring my brain into an addict's brain?

[45:30] Is my addict partner trying to escape our marriage?

[48:58] If we have sex every night will my partner stop cheating?

[50:47] How can I be the best cheerleader to my partner through recovery?

[52:01] Is watching porn considered cheating?

[55:10] Resources that focus on grief and loss of porn addiction.

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• “If I’m looking at an image to get a physical arousal, it’s porn, whether somebody else would classify it as porn or not.”

• “Porn addict brains and cocaine addict brains are indistinguishable. The parts that are over and under developed look exactly the same.”

• “Addictions are not about pleasure. They’re about escape.”

• “There is nothing in a TV show that is worth me losing my recovery.”

• “There is no ‘just one’ for addicts.”

• “There is not a partner on the planet that can make their addict not act out if they’re ultimately going to.”

Dr. Eddie Capparucci and Tami discuss and answer questions about building confidence in recovery. They describe the coping strategies and layers of hurt that can be found on the pain field, and the four things that have to happen in order for a partner to successfully stay on the pain field in order to work toward recovery and healing. This session was live via SexandRelationshipHealing.com on February 21, 2024.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:30] The pain field is a place where both partners are speaking a different language.

[5:03] Emotional dysregulation happens when either partner leaves the pain field.

[7:25] Where does a partner go when they leave the pain field?

[9:10] Why should a partner want to stay on the pain field?

[11:30] Slowing everything down is the starting point for staying on the field.

[13:52] Quiet down the inner child to engage as an adult.

[15:32] Stay present and engaged, then identify the pain point.

[20:32] If you see your spouse moving off the pain field, tell them.

[24:00] The ultimate goal is reconciliation. Getting there will be a process.

[27:36] If a man is getting flooded, he needs to take a break.

[32:41] My spouse has a pattern of accidentally physically hurting me or my possessions, is this unconscious resentment?

[37:04] If my spouse needs to take a break, why doesn’t he just say so?

[38:12] We just got back together and now I’m experiencing abandonment trauma. What should I be focusing on to feel healthy?

[41:43] How can I be more attune to my wife’s wishes?

[45:20] How important is it that the betrayer be on the pain field?

[48:00] What does Dr. Eddie which he had known early in his recovery?

[49:34] My wife gets triggered when I don’t check in with her. Is this normal in recovery?

[51:45] How can I quiet my inner child if I don’t believe it’s real?

[53:45] My husband doesn’t think he’s dealing with addiction. How can we navigate recovery?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• “We’re not going to do anything perfectly, but if we’re willing, we stand a chance.”

• “You have to quiet the inner child before the emotions begin to ramp up.”

• “If you’re not engaged you may as well be on another field.”

• “Your infidelity is the cause, but not the core of your spouse’s pain.”

• “If your partner is totally deflated and depleted, you’re not going to get what you’re looking for. You’re going to get just the opposite.”

Debbie McRae takes on a word that she hears daily in her practice – gaslighting. Why do sex and porn addicts gaslight, and what can their partners do about it? This webinar covers what exactly gaslighting is, what purpose it serves, what it might sound like, and what you can do about it.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:30] Gaslighting is a term that Debbie McRae hears every single day in her practice.

[1:21] Simple and clinical definitions of gaslighting and common dialogue used in gaslighting.

[5:13] Acknowledgement of the seriousness of an addiction means the addict would have to do something about it.

[6:19] Gaslighting partners are trying to avoid facing reality and avoid confrontation.

[8:01] Increased defensiveness and denial are common signs of gaslighting.

[9:10] Addicts often believe they are the exception to the rules.

[10:09] Shame and extended periods of getting away with gaslighting are common reasons addicts continue to gaslight.

[11:25] Gaslighters have a style – the intimidator, the good guy, and the glamor gaslighter.

[15:24] DARVO – deny, attack, reverse the victim and offender – aims to shift the blame off the addict.

[16:35] The danger of minimizing rather than validating, withholding, countering, diverting and discrediting, deflection and distraction, and stereotypical labeling.

[22:49] Using loving words and rewriting history are confusing ways to manipulate a hurt partner.

[24:30] How can you stop the gaslighting as an addict?

[28:18] What can the betrayed partner do about gaslighting?

[34:50] The importance of focusing on your own recovery.

[38:01] Is it normal that my spouse won’t even talk to me about his porn addiction?

[44:21] How much responsibility do I need to take for my addict partner’s behavior?

[48:35] Why does my partner blame me when I am blindsided by his behavior?

[52:44] How can I identify real abuse versus the mental illness that is adding to the issues?

[55:00] How can I handle my partner’s passive aggressive behavior?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• “Gaslighting is a power trip. People gaslight because it gives them power.”

• “Gaslighting keeps the betrayed partner constantly on their toes and on high alert.”

• “Gaslighting can be really hard for the betrayed partner to identify.”

• “Betrayed partners have superior memories because they are connected to the prefrontal cortex.”

• “If you are a liar, know that you are a gaslighter and you have to be honest with yourself.”