Therapist Debbie McRae discusses options for the betrayed partner when the betraying partner is stalling or not fully in recovery. She offers tactics for partners who are stuck in the cycle of fear and uncertainty and are ready to regain control in healthy ways while seeking safety after betrayal.

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:05] Common recovery limbo scenarios and what each one means.

[4:33] Recovery limbo happens when the betraying partner won’t take responsibility for their behavior.

[7:25] Seven signs that your addict partner is struggling with recovery.

[9:23] Six strategies for regaining healthy control after betrayal.

[13:14] Setting boundaries for effectively reestablishing safety.

[21:06] The importance of a healthy support group and self-care in recovery.

[25:26] Betrayed partners need therapy too.

[29:21] What to do after you’ve tried unhealthy safety seeking.

[31:42] The thought of physical intimacy gives me the ick feeling. How can I begin to heal?

[37:13] Connecting with your spouse about physical intimacy outside the bedroom.

[39:04] At what in point in recovery is couples counseling recommended?

[45:05] The value of releasing information in couples therapy.

[46:11] My CSAT wants to bring my betraying partner into our session. Is that odd?

[50:45] My partner is an avoidant porn addict, is psychoanalysis recommended?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• “True recovery requires that the addict partner have that intrinsic motivation to heal their addiction.”

• “You have to be, as a betrayed partner, really open and honest and authentic about your boundaries.”

• “The goal of a boundary consequence is not punishment, it’s creating safety.”

• “Don’t just identify as a betrayed partner. You have to hold onto you as well.”