Sibling rivalry seems like your kid’s problem. But for most parents its not easy to tolerate all that bickering and figuring out when to step in can be confusing. In today’s session, you meet Anna, a mother of three children, 8, 5, 2 who learns that what she is doing is actually making the sibling rivalry worse. She and her husband emigrated from Ukraine in their twenties but brought with them their own experiences of growing up. Learning a bit about her history brings light to her current situation. And you may be surprised by the coaching that Leslie offers Anna to improve the sibling rivalry which includes some basic strategies based in behaviorism.

Time Stamps

5:29 Context is important when understanding or assessing a problem such as sibling rivalry

8:20 Noticing that people’s recovery time vary from person to person

10:00 Parents often ask “what can I do to stop the fighting”

11:25 Sibling rivalry is natural and a way to learn social skills

11:48 Behaviorism - jumping in reinforces the fighting behavior which causes it to escalate

• 13:28 Reinforce the behavior that you want more of
• 14:00 Nonverbally (Physically) support one child while talking to the other child

18:03 What happens when your best intentions makes things worse and doesn’t get you what you want

18:55 When Leslie sounds like terrible, horrible, no good parent

20:28 Can we give our kids a chance solve their own problems

21:08 We rob our children from so much learning when we jump in to fix it

21:58 How to help parents sit with their own discomfort or anxiety

• Announce the change in your parenting behavior to your children

23:15 Explaining an extinction burst

24:20 ⅓ ⅓ ⅓ rule for sibling rivalry

• ⅓ = Do nothing, let them work it out on their their
• ⅓ = We can help them with conflict resolution
• ⅓ = We can notice what is happening or ending it without discussing it

25:20 A family is a system of belonging - sibling rivalry can be about individuation

30:20 Reinforcing your child to feel special is different from praise.

34:07 Parents need to believe that they can love each of their children differently

35:02 The metaphor of the orchestra for treating their children differently

36:16 Balance the needs of your child, balance the independence and the dependence

36:55 Looking at the parents self care practices

38:36 Description of how empathy is a critical step of conflict resolution with a

43:10 Empathy and being understood by the other person can be transformative.

43:40 Escalating emotions, getting louder or getting defensive may reflect that someone feels invalidated.

44:23 CLIFF HANGER; Leslie doesn’t share the other steps of conflict resolution - only the step of empathy

Resources:

Leslie’s Handout on The Need to Feel a Sense of Belonging

Leslie ‘s Handout on The Need to be significant

Punishment by Rewards by Alfie Kohn

Leslie-ism: Practice empathy in your own conflicts

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube

In today’s episode, Leslie speaks with special guest, Dr. Lorie Ritschel, a board-certified dialectic behavior therapist, and discusses the impact of chronic invalidation, trauma and shame in regards to both parents and children. Lorie emphasizes the importance of understanding and addressing shame in children, noting that parents often underestimate its punishing effects. She explains DBT-PE, a treatment that combines dialectical behavior therapy with prolonged exposure to treat trauma.

Time Stamps

4:22 Defining Trauma - Criterion A and Traumatic Chronic Invalidation

9:00 and 11:26 Trauma Treatments - DBT-PE and CPT

• You are working to create corrective learning
• Trauma treatment is really tough, its like psychology Iron Man
• In vivo exposures - learning to do the things that are hard for you to do
• Imaginal exposures - where you talk about the trauma
• Processing - what can you learn from your exposures and how can you shift your perspective

14:00 Discussing the emotion of Shame

14:40 Parents are part of creating the internal dialogue of emotions within their child and they have the ability to impact their child’s understanding of emotions

16:20 Parents underestimate how punishing shame is to a child

17:05 Discussion on being how to be reinforcer of behaviors and punisher of behaviors by matching the intensity of your child’s behavior

18:05 Some kids go into a shame spiral and others don’t. DON”T make assumptions about your child

19:24 Examples of implicit and explicit learning

20:55 When shame is very visible in your child -

• If a child hides their face or hides under covers
• They say “I’m bad”
• You can use the line “can you give yourself permission to make a mistake?”

21:21 Watch out for the quiet child who internalize their emotions

22:14 Create a framework in your home to talk about emotions

22:50 High, Low, Buffalo Game - a great substitute for “how was your day at school”

25:25 The benefits of Observational learning

26:38 Discussion of Invalidation for the neurodivergent child

28::43 Other examples of ways parents can invalidate their child

31:00 Having a trusted adult to speak to is key for a child who feels invalidation from their differentness

Leslie-ism: When expressing disappointment to your child, a light touch is enough.

Resources:

Lorie Ritschel’s Website: Triangle Area Psychology Clinic (TAP)

E-Learning Courses through the TAP clinic

How to use High Low Buffalo Conversation Starter

Trauma resources

• DBT-Prolonged Exposure Trauma Treatment
• Cognitive Processing Treatment (CPT)

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by

Parents often go to therapy when the rewards and punishment no longer work because trying to get your child to do what you need them to do can be very challenging. And when the parent’s anxiety gets added to that mix, the result is frustrating and overwhelming for everyone. This is the final session with Nicky and AJ as they discuss getting their 11 year old daughter Lilly off to school each day and getting her to clean up after herself.

Time Stamps

3:46 Ask yourself “did it feel more effective to do something different” and "did it feel better to you?” whether or not, we got the outcome that we wanted.

5:05 What its like to live with someone who does not complete a task, often someone with ADHD.

7:33 Bring mindfulness skills to the person who doesn’t complete a task

10:25 Make expectations explicit because everyone may have different expectations

11:58 Example of parent using rewards to change your child’s behavior

12:47 Discussion of rewards and punishments

15:15 Using rewards is a way to manage and control behavior, it may not actually teach her to develop behavior that she doesn’t want to do.

17:09 Assess the problem that you want to solve

17:50 Keep track of the behavior - collect data

20:17 Determine whose problem is it? Start by changing your behavior

Engage your child into the solution of the problem

24:50 When you understand something about your child, be sure to verbalize it to her

26:38 Setting up contingency plan when there is a pattern of problematic behavior

• Do it without anger or shaming
• Lay out the plan in advance

30:32 A Parent’s anxiety usually makes your children’s anxiety worse

32:26 Fighting reality vs accepting reality when your child doesn’t do things the way you want them to.

33:47 Whose problem is it? Remember to work on your part of the problem

34:19 Practicing mindfulness skills for ADHD behaviors

Leslie-ism: In moments of stress or anxiety ask yourself “whose problem is it?

Resources:

GIVE Skill Handout by DBT.tools
Leslie's Handout on Whose Problem Is It?

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.