Debbie McRae takes on a word that she hears daily in her practice – gaslighting. Why do sex and porn addicts gaslight, and what can their partners do about it? This webinar covers what exactly gaslighting is, what purpose it serves, what it might sound like, and what you can do about it.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:30] Gaslighting is a term that Debbie McRae hears every single day in her practice.

[1:21] Simple and clinical definitions of gaslighting and common dialogue used in gaslighting.

[5:13] Acknowledgement of the seriousness of an addiction means the addict would have to do something about it.

[6:19] Gaslighting partners are trying to avoid facing reality and avoid confrontation.

[8:01] Increased defensiveness and denial are common signs of gaslighting.

[9:10] Addicts often believe they are the exception to the rules.

[10:09] Shame and extended periods of getting away with gaslighting are common reasons addicts continue to gaslight.

[11:25] Gaslighters have a style – the intimidator, the good guy, and the glamor gaslighter.

[15:24] DARVO – deny, attack, reverse the victim and offender – aims to shift the blame off the addict.

[16:35] The danger of minimizing rather than validating, withholding, countering, diverting and discrediting, deflection and distraction, and stereotypical labeling.

[22:49] Using loving words and rewriting history are confusing ways to manipulate a hurt partner.

[24:30] How can you stop the gaslighting as an addict?

[28:18] What can the betrayed partner do about gaslighting?

[34:50] The importance of focusing on your own recovery.

[38:01] Is it normal that my spouse won’t even talk to me about his porn addiction?

[44:21] How much responsibility do I need to take for my addict partner’s behavior?

[48:35] Why does my partner blame me when I am blindsided by his behavior?

[52:44] How can I identify real abuse versus the mental illness that is adding to the issues?

[55:00] How can I handle my partner’s passive aggressive behavior?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• “Gaslighting is a power trip. People gaslight because it gives them power.”

• “Gaslighting keeps the betrayed partner constantly on their toes and on high alert.”

• “Gaslighting can be really hard for the betrayed partner to identify.”

• “Betrayed partners have superior memories because they are connected to the prefrontal cortex.”

• “If you are a liar, know that you are a gaslighter and you have to be honest with yourself.”