Marcus and Deanna review Season 1: Genesis. Is a shadowy figure secretly pulling God’s strings from behind the scenes? What’s the best use for the ark now that shooting is done? What counts as a blessing anyway? Tune in for the answers to all of these questions and more, plus the winners of the season-wide Weirdest Name competition!

Season finale! Jacob comes down with an acute case of “I’m gonna die soon” and gathers his sons for one last chance to complain about that time Reuben had sex with Jacob’s concubine. Jacob also attempts to bless Joseph’s sons but Joseph comes out of left field with an obsession about using the “right” hand. Asher appears destined to run a world class bakery, and Simeon and Levi reminisce about peaking in high school. After Jacob is mummified, wrestling legend The Undertaker literally crashes the funeral and God once again makes the eulogy all about him. Egypt closes for 70 days while all the civil servants bring Jacob’s body to the family mausoleum in Canaan, and the resulting backup in paperwork nearly destroys the economy. Joseph’s brothers fear that without Daddy around, Joseph will go back to his vengeful ways. But Joseph forgives and forgets before he too dies, is mummified, and presumably prepares for a Season 2 return as a zombie. (Genesis 47:28-50:26)

Joseph pulls the plug on his revenge plans after his brothers turn their groveling up to 11. Joseph removes his glasses in a Clark-Kent-to-Superman-style striptease, but his brothers don’t believe it’s him until Benjamin confirms the match with his cool sci-fi de-cloaking device. Following this tearful reunion, the brothers try to convince their dad that meeting Joseph in Egypt isn’t just some online scam. Jacob’s convinced to make the trip after God stars in a fast-talking radio commercial. Pharaoh offers them the best of Egypt even though their chosen profession is apparently a moral affront to all right-thinking Egyptians. The episode ends with the Egyptian government backsliding into a form of capitalism that makes The Wolf of Wall Street look tame. (Genesis 44:18-47:27)

When Pharaoh’s sleep is disrupted by terrifying dreams of vampire cows, he springs world-renowned Dream Reader Joseph from jail. Joseph concludes that seven years of famine can be prevented by opening a brewery and setting up a strong social security system. Delighted by this news, Pharaoh makes Joseph his right-hand man and supermarket manager. Joseph’s brothers come by for their weekly grocery shop and are fooled by his Groucho Marx glasses. Joseph trolls them further by demanding they bring him their remaining brother, Benjamin. After a lavish meal, Joseph frames them for the theft of his favorite goblet. Has Joseph’s revenge gone too far? God’s taking the week off, so we get to be the judge! (Genesis 41:1-44:17)

Joseph is out and proud with a fancy coat from his adoring father. Between that and his obsession with reading his dream journal out loud, the rest of his brothers have had enough and sell him into slavery. Judah has three sons, all of whom he aims to marry to Tamar, since she makes the best Thanksgiving casserole that anyone has ever tasted. Unfortunately, God keeps smiting the sons for infractions ranging from securities fraud to using the withdrawal method. When Tamar learns that Judah won’t honor his promise of marriage to the last son, she goes to Victoria’s Secret and gets his goat in more ways than one! Meanwhile, Joseph is thrown in an Egyptian jail for saying “no” to Mrs. Robinson. (Genesis 37:1–40:23)

Jacob freaks out about seeing Esau again and immediately ranks his household by their human-shield potential. God overdoes his attempts to lift Jacob’s spirits by staging an all-night wrestling match. Several dozen clotheslines later, Jacob is left with a broken hip and new name, Israel. Luckily for The Artist Formerly Known As Jacob, Esau turns out to be chill, and brotherly love prevails. Unluckily, his only daughter, Dina, catches the eye of a douchebag rapist. Dina’s brothers insist that the price for her hand in marriage is one metric ton of foreskin. After Circumcision Day comes Judgment Day, as the brothers get medieval on every man in the city, who are too busy holding ice to their groins to defend themselves. We wrap up with a Sesame Street special where Esau demonstrates the power of genetic inheritance. (​​Genesis 32:4-36:43)

On his way to Haran, Jacob uses a random stone as a pillow and has trippy dreams with distinct Led Zeppelin vibes. Speaking of stones, Jacob lifts a huge one with just his erection and then signs a seven-year employment contract in exchange for marrying the boss’s daughter, Rachel. Unfortunately, her father Laban enforces a strict “first-out-of-womb, first-into-wedlock” rule by tagging in Rachel’s crazy-eyed older sister Leah on the wedding night. Laban then insists that Jacob’s employment benefit of marrying Rachel needs another seven more years to vest. After fathering twelve children with four different women, Jacob gets revenge by painting his father-in-law’s goats, and Rachel scoops all the family heirlooms into a duffel bag on her way out the door. Just before fists are thrown, a stoned God drops by to mellow everyone out, man. (Genesis 28:10-32:3)

Rebecca gets pregnant with some “special help” from God. It’s twins! The first, Esau, has an unfortunate resemblance to Elmo crossed with Hellboy. His awful luck continues when he trades his birthright for some off-brand baked beans from his mild-mannered brother, Jacob. Jacob gets pressured into wearing goatskin to steal a magic one-use-only blessing from Esau, then gets the hell out of Dodge before Esau can take his revenge. Also, Isaac tries out the “my wife is my sister” trick (again), Esau gets married three times, and God munches popcorn in his pajamas. It’s in tents…and intense (sorry not sorry)! (Genesis 25:19-28:9)