The leaders I work with want to be the kind of leaders who can handle complexity without defaulting to blame, shame, or shutting down.

But when visibility and accountability collide with unhealed relational wounding, it doesn’t matter how many books we’ve read or retreats we’ve attended; our bodies remember. And it can feel deeply uncomfortable.

Discomfort is part of the gig, though. If we let it, it moves us towards being better humans to ourselves and others. True accountability may not always lead to repair and reconnection, but it is a profoundly relational and humanizing practice led by values, justice, and grace.

But when discomfort turns to shame, accountability feels threatening rather than connective. And when we fear accountability and its discomfort, it causes more harm.

The work of unburdening is never entirely over, but as Dr. Richard Schwartz reminded me in today’s fifth anniversary conversation, the more unburdened we are, the more accountable we become. The more we desire justice. The more we want to see change.

It’s a powerful affirmation of what’s possible when we commit to being Unburdened Leaders.

Richard Schwartz began his career as a systemic family therapist and an academic. Grounded in systems thinking, Dr. Schwartz developed Internal Family Systems (IFS) in response to clients’ descriptions of various parts within themselves. He focused on the relationships among these parts and noticed that there were systemic patterns to the way they were organized across clients. He also found that when the clients’ parts felt safe and were allowed to relax, the clients would spontaneously experience the qualities of confidence, openness, and compassion that Dr. Schwartz came to call the Self. He found that when in that state of Self, clients would know how to heal their parts.

A featured speaker for national professional organizations, Dr. Schwartz has published many books and over fifty articles about IFS.

Listen to the full episode to hear:

• How being in Self allows us to act assertively without igniting defensiveness
• How IFS can help us maintain our empathy and compassion without burning out
• The challenges and risks of the rapid popularization of IFS via social media
• Why being in Self is a continuum not a binary
• Why Dr. Schwartz has a pep talk with his parts every day, even after decades of doing the work
• How he’s navigating increasing media exposure while staying true to his values and IFS principles
• How Self creates a natural desire for accountability in our inner and outer worlds

Learn more about Dr. Richard Schwartz:

• IFS Institute

Learn more about Rebecca:

• rebeccaching.com
• Work With Rebecca
• The Unburdened Leader on Substack
• Sign up for the weekly Unburdened Leader Email

We often hear the advice, “You just need to find your community.”

It sounds simple. Hopeful, even. But it can ring hollow for anyone who has tried to do it, and for those in leadership roles where they carry the additional burdens of responsibility and visibility. And it’s especially fraught advice for anyone who has experienced relational trauma.

Because true community isn’t something you stumble into. It has to be built, slowly and intentionally. And it’s often uncomfortable and messy when we’re healing from experiences where reaching for connection resulted in hurt and betrayal.

But human beings are wired for connection. We long for it. And we’re more disconnected from each other than ever.

The remedy for our loneliness is in the slow, awkward, sacred work of showing up and staying, even through discomfort and disagreement. If we lay foundations of shared dignity and respect, we can build courageously honest relationships and community in those uncomfortable spaces.

My guest today joins me to explore the intricate journey of building a true community, one that transcends buzzwords and embraces the courage to be vulnerable and honest, to disagree, repair, and stay genuinely connected.

Charles Vogl is an adviser, speaker, and the author of three books, including the international bestseller The Art of Community.

His work is used to advise and develop leadership and programs worldwide within organizations including Google, Airbnb, LinkedIn, Twitch, Amazon, ServiceNow, Meetup.com, Wayfair and the US Army.

Charles holds an M.Div. from Yale, where he studied spiritual traditions, ethics, and business as a Jesse Ball duPont Foundation scholar.

Listen to the full episode to hear:

• How a seemingly simple ritual of Friday dinners turned Charles’s house into a community hub
• Why investing in community building will always require some amount of intention and effort
• How Charles’s experiences working for social change shaped his skill for bringing people together around shared purpose and values
• The difference between true community and what Charles calls “mirage communities”
• What holds leaders back from creating spaces where real relationships and community can be built
• The importance of “campfire experiences” for developing trust and admiration
• Why we need to invite others in, not just announce our plans and hope they show up

Learn more about Charles Vogl:

• Website
• Connect on LinkedIn
• The Art of Community: 7 Principles for Belonging

Learn more about Rebecca:

• rebeccaching.com
• Work With Rebecca
• The Unburdened Leader on Substack
• Sign up for the weekly Unburdened Leader Email

Resources:

• The loneliest people (and places) in America, Andrew Van Dam | Washington Post
• Marissa King
• Cloud Cult - You'll Be Bright