If you’ve ever worked on a feature length film before, you know one thing is for certain: it’s a miracle any movie ever gets made. It’s even more impressive when a bunch of scrappy filmmakers set out to make one with close to nothing for a budget. Hell House LLC is the first of many sequels in an original franchise that may not be the best found footage horror movie of all time, but it’s definitely a sincere effort in comparison to the tons of bad films of its kind you’ll find going straight to streaming. We’ll let you know if it’s worth watching as we discuss it this week. Plus we’ll detail our own haunted house experience, the one bad joke that may ultimately have broken Nathan, and we finally answer the question definitively – is Hitch a good movie? All of that and a hell of a lot more with returning guest Michael Moss.

Hell House LLC stars Ryan Jennifer Jones, Danny Bellini, Gore Abrams, Jared Hacker, Adam Schneider, and Alice Bahlke. Directed by Stephen Cognetti.

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All aboard! Step onto The Midnight Meat Train with us as this week we’re talking about the 2008 box office bomb from Ryûhei Kitamura. Bradley Cooper is about to pop with The Hangover next year, but before he can do that he has to take a ride on the subway with Vinnie Jones in this strange horror thriller. Is this a secret hit? The only way to find out is to listen to our episode. So grab your train ticket and have a seat as we discuss Ted Raimi’s odd staying power on our show, the queer allegory theory about the film, and where to get that sweet chainmail armor Cooper dawns in this movie. Yustice for Yurgis!

The Midnight Meat Train stars Bradley Cooper, Leslie Bibb, Tony Curran, Brooke Shields, Roger Bart, and Vinnie Jones. Directed by Ryûhei Kitamura.

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As the great poet Gwen Stefani once said: this shit is bananas. 1977’s House (aka Hausu) is anything but conventional – piano monsters, mattress tornados, dancing skeletons, and a painting that spews blood. What doesn’t this movie have? For some it may be a bit too much, but for others it’s a feast for the eyes. So pack your bags and grab a slice of watermelon cause we’re going to Auntie’s house this week as we discuss the film as well as the story of how the film was made, Melody inspiring one of the greatest emo anthems of all time, and quite a bit about the ‘70s cartoon Speed Buggy with returning guest Priscilla Hendry.

House (aka Hausu) stars Kimiko Ikegami, Miki Jinbo, Ai Matubara, Kumiko Oba, Mieko Sato, Eriko Tanaka, Masayo Miyako, and Yōko Minamida. Directed by Nobuhiko Ôbayashi.

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We’re not quite done discussing bondage and all things kinky this week as we cover a movie we guarantee you’ve never heard of. 2000’s Jill Rips (also known as Jill the Ripper or Tied Up) is such a bad movie that it defies explanation. With more fade-to-blacks than a TV show, this thing isn’t just poorly made – it’s boring too. But what isn’t boring is our episode. So suit up in your favorite latex costume and grab a Boston cream donut to listen to us talk all about this abysmal film. Plus the iOS-Dolph Lundgren conspiracy, the worst codeword to use in a sex club, the special joke hidden in Dustin’s envelope, and a lot more are all discussed in less than the runtime of the film.

Jill Rips (aka Jill the Ripper aka Tied Up) stars Dolph Lundgren and Danielle Brett. Directed by Anthony Hickox.

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Valentine’s Day is this week – a special time of year where couples and crushes come together to celebrate their romance with one another. But one couple will be doing no such thing. Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey (totally real names) have some problems they need to work on (but they won’t.) Make no mistake: Fifty Shades of Grey is a terrible movie, and we’re here to tell you why. So grab your floggers and spread wide cause this episode we’re getting real sexy as we discuss everything from “secret” jeans to nanobot sex toys and even the unmistakable scent of ovulation. Oh yeah, it’s that kind of episode. All of that and a lot more with returning guest Brian Cottington of The Cinema Psychos Show.

You can check out The Cinema Psychos Show on Apple Podcasts or wherever get your podcasts.

Fifty Shades of Grey stars Marcia Gay Harden, Jamie Dornan, Rita Ora, Dakota Johnson, Max Martini, Luke Grimes, Callum Keith Rennie, Victor Rasuk, Jennifer Ehle, and Eloise Mumford. Directed by Sam Taylor-Johnson.

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This week on the program we’re diving back into the world of multiverses to discuss a truly bizarre product of the aughts. Two Jet Lis, nü-metal needle drops, and a pre-bald Jason Statham all get mushed into a blender and out comes 2001’s The One. This obvious rip-off of so many other films that came before it (The Matrix as its main component) doesn’t offer much other than some incredibly laughable moments. So grab your wormhole detector and your Papa Roach CD, then kick back and listen as we discuss how Drowning Pool (temporarily) cured racism, Roger Ebert’s thoughts on Stuart Little, and, of course, that rat’s GIANT balls. All of that and more with a variant of returning guest John Houzer.

The One stars Carla Gugino, Delroy Lindo, Jet Li, and Jason Statham. Directed by James Wong.

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Bonjour! A lot has been said already about the absolute trainwreck that is Madame Web – but we still have our fair share to offer as well. Lazy performances, confusing writing, and baffling ADR are just a few aspects worth discussing in yet another god-awful entry into the now defunct Sony-verse. So join us on our trip to the Amazon with our moms as we research spiders right before we all die as we talk about Mallie’s wrap gifts from working on the film, how 9/11 led to Ellen getting canceled, and Dakota Johnson’s one weakness: opening cans. All of that and more with returning Spider-gals Brandi Dewberry and Jenn Paulemon. Au revoir!

Madame Web stars Dakota Johnson, Sydney Sweeney, Isabela Merced, Celeste O'Connor, Tahar Rahim, Mike Epps, Emma Roberts, Adam Scott, Zosia Mamet, José María Yázpik, Kerry Bishé, and Josh Drennen. Directed by S. J. Clarkson.

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We’re not quite done discussing the divide between liberals and conservatives this season, but this movie seems to be as 2020’s The Hunt has virtually nothing to say on the topic (other than having its characters shout buzzwords.) A swing and a miss from this Leftovers duo, Zobel and Lindelof managed to make a movie that’s all hype with no substance. But we still have a lot to say about this one, so take out your mouth gag and strap up as we discuss the film as well as do some classic dirtbag math, debate the guild pay for crisis actors, and ponder what it would be like if Legolas has Uzis instead of a bow. (Is anyone else getting some real Boss Baby vibes from this movie?)

The Hunt (2020) stars J. C. MacKenzie, Ethan Suplee, Macon Blair, Betty Gilpin, Emma Roberts, Hilary Swank, Justin Hartley, Ike Barinholtz, Amy Madigan, and Glenn Howerton. Directed by Craig Zobel.

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