Episode Four of Season Three! — A Sunday-evening full episode (dropping early today!) IN WHICH —

0:04:25: TERRIFIC REGISTER ARTICLE:

• We hear of a cat who, standing watch over his mistress's freshly-murdered body, bristled and hissed when the murder suspect entered the room!
• Then we hear of an English traveler saved from the Spanish Inquisition by a priest he had befriended.

0:08:20: VARNEY THE VAMPYRE, Ch. 18:

• In this chapter, Admiral Bell and Jack Pringle arrive at the hall and meet the principal players. Mr. Marchdale and Sir Francis Varney appear to have an argument, and Sir Francis punches Marchdale. Admiral Bell wants to see Charles, and although obviously very fond of him, is trying to be severe and demanding an explanation about the vampire thing.

• So — will Admiral Bell put the kibosh on his nephew’s romantic prospects? If he does, what happens with Flora? And why does Sir Francis Varney want so badly to stir up trouble? We'll find out soon!

0:31:50: AN ACCOUNT OF SOME STRANGE DISTURBANCES IN AUNGIER STREET, by J.S. LeFanu:

• In which we learn the source of the ghostly footsteps padding down the stairs at 2 a.m. ... and we hear Tom's account of why he left the Aungier Street mansion so suddenly: he was convinced his life was in immediate peril, from a recurring vision of an evil-faced old man clutching a knotted rope... This is Part 2 of 3 parts (Part 3 will come next Sunday).

PLUS —

• We learn a new Flash song (starting around 0:27:20): "Moll in the Wad," full of fun highway-robber slang (see below). — And ...
• We browse through a few "recipes" for bad literature, published in Punch, the comedy magazine of the 1840s (starting around 0:47:20). — And ...
• We learn a few more Victorian "dad jokes" from good old Joe Miller!

Join host Finn J.D. John. for a one-hour-long spree through the scandal-sheets and story papers of old London! Grab a flicker of blue ruin, unload your stumps, and let's go!

FLASH TERMS USED IN THIS EPISODE:

From intro and outro patter:

• PINKS OF FASHION:
• FLY:
• LUSHINGTONS:
• CRAB-SHELLS:
• PINS:
• DAFFY:
• NOB:
• AUTEM BAWLERS:
• BUGGABOES:

• PIKE OFF: Flee to avoid being caught
• RED WAISTCOAT: Uniform of the Bow-street Runners, London's first police force
• KNIGHT OF THE BRUSH AND MOON: Drunken fellow wandering amok in fields and ditches trying to stagger home

From comedy article in Punch Magazine:

• GAMMON: Literally a game; but in the early-Victorian it meant almost exactly what we mean by "bullshit" today.

From Flash poem, "Moll in the Wad":

• "When the fancy you hunt, the blush and the blunt" — Fancy means "sport" in this context; "blush" is a reference to friendly ladies; and blunt means money.
• "You spank it and sport, and Venuses court" — "spank it" meant to be sporty and stylish.
• "Then there away to Fancy shows/ To sport your odds and your evens you go" — fancy shows are sporting events (boxing, animal fights, etc.); odds and evens may be a reference to the "old one-two" or maybe billiards or roulette.
• "The Fives Court" means the boxing ring (a reference to a "bunch of fives," fingers wadded up in a fist).
• "At sixes and sevens" means in confusion.
• "If you don't get in Chancery somehow, it's odd" — a pun. Chancery-court was where one sued over financial affairs, but when a "miller" (boxer) got his opponent "in chancery," that meant with his arm locked around his neck so that his head might be pummeled with impunity.
• "Then hazard's your bane, and seven's the main" — a reference to the usual sentence for non-capital crimes: seven years' transportation to Australia.
• "You'll be sent up the spout" — hospitalized — "or be laid on the shelf" — transported to Australia.
• "Bang up the prime past" — "bang-up prime" means Absolutely Fabulous. (In the literal sense, not the Edie and Patsy sense.)
• "You goes to the Fleet" — either lodged in Fleet Prison, or murdered and your body dumped in the Fleet River.

EPISODE ART is from Varney the Vampyre, and shows Mr. Marchdale "fighting" with Sir Francis Varney.

A half-hour- long 'Hursday Horrors Minisode IN WHICH —

0:01:55: SPRING-HEEL'D JACK, Ch. 17, IN WHICH —:

• Richard Clavering tries to bluster his way out, but it’s not a good look, looming over his unconscious lady with a knife in his fist. Jack unmasks — and we learn he and Clavering know each other socially! So … did Jack overhear the part about the loaded dice? What will he do if he does? And what will happen to poor Jessie?

0:16:25: TRIGGER WARNING!

• This is a Ha'penny Horrid 'Hursday episode. "Horrid" as in "horror." Thursday is the day we do all the grimdark, grisly, horrifying stories, starting right after the chapter of the daily Dreadful! So: If murders, war crimes, parricides, and other awful stuff are not something you are interested in hearing about, even 200 years later — you should skip to the next podcast in your queue after the Dreadful finishes up. Don't worry, we'll be back this coming Sunday for the regular Penny Dreadful Variety Hour, when this podcast will be back to being a bright, sunny romp through Penny Dreadful stories!

0:16:55: TERRIBLE TIDBIT OF THE DAY for August 7:

• The story of a young mother of 10 who got drunk and tried to kill herself by jumping off Blackfriars Bridge, on Aug. 21, 1852.

0:19:05: THE BRUTAL MURDER AT ST. HELENS (a broadsheet ballad).

• When Sgt. Sewell of the city police tried to detain a young man whom he knew to be wanted on a warrant, the young reprobate whipped out a pepperbox pistol and shot him twice. Liverpool printer John White memorialized the crime with a mournful broadsheet ballad.

0:23:25: THE TERRIFIC REGISTER:

• A few examples from history of times when persons believing they were about to die, simply dropped dead without the intervention of the headsman's ax.

Join host Finn J.D. John. for a half-hour-long spree through the darkest and loathliest stories seen on the streets of early-Victorian London! Grab a flicker of blue ruin, switch off your mirror neurons, and let's go!

GLOSSARY OF FLASH TERMS USED IN THIS EPISODE:

• High spicer: Highway robber.
• Topping cove: Hangman.
• Mizzle: Take leave.
• Scragging: Hanging.
• Kiddies and kiddiesses: Flash lads and lasses
• Sherry off: To leave, in a tolerable hurry. A corruption of "sheer off."
• Flats: Suckers.

• Chaffing: Talking and bantering while taking a glass or two.
• Knight of the brush and moon: Drunken fellow wandering amok in fields and ditches trying to stagger home.
• "Dram-o-tick poet" (from the Joe Miller joke at the end of the episode): A pun. A dram, of course, is a glass of spirits. "Tick" refers to marking down a debt by making a tickmark, as in a pub when drinking on credit.

A "spicy" (-ish) Tuesday Twopenny Terrible minisode IN WHICH —

0:08:45: MYSTERIES OF LONDON, Ch. 6, IN WHICH —:

• Richard Markham meets Diana Arlington and is utterly smitten. Then a short, stout, vulgar-looking man enters the room. This is Augustus Talbot, and he is truly crass. He keeps trying to steer the conversation round to the subject of a corn he’s afflicted with on his little toe. Chichester and Harborough are clearly worried that Talbot might spoil their chances of making a favorable impression on Richard; why would they be so concerned? It’s increasingly obvious that they’re playing a game, and he’s a mark. Is Mr. Talbot another mark? What IS their game, anyway?

• Then a new guest arrives: Apparently another prospective mark, whom they met at the opera the previous week: Mr. Walter Sydney … an effeminate-looking well-dressed youth … whom we last saw being pitched down through the floor of a thieves’ crib into the Fleet River. But he’s different. He seems wise in a way nobody else is. Who is he? What game is he playing? We’ll see …

0:28:25: A SALACIOUS SALOON SONG:

• "The Dildoe! Or, The Amorous Maids," a frisky supper-club song from the 1830s, sung lustily by, um, gentlemen when there were no ladies about. This rather explicit one describes the amorous adventure of Giles, the country lad, upon learning his three maidenly neighbors were starved for male carnal attention.

Join host Finn J.D. John. for a half-hour-long spree through the scandal-sheets and story papers of old London! Grab a decanter and top off your glass, unload your stumps, and let's go!

GLOSSARY OF FLASH TERMS USED IN THIS EPISODE:

• Beau traps: Well-dressed fortune hunters or swindlers (we more than a little suspect Hon. Arthur Chichester and Sir Rupert Harbrough to be such!)
• Fly angelics: Knowing or wise young women.
• Fly to the fakement: Aware of the tricks.
• Mace-man: Swindler.
• Cutish: Clever.

• Knight of the brush and moon: Drunken fellow wandering amok in fields and ditches trying to stagger home.
• Chaffing: Talking and bantering while taking a glass or two.
• Crib: House, room, or chamber (modern equivalent is "joint"). Originally and still also used to refer to a prostitute's bedroom.

• Pippin: A funny fellow (of either sex); also a friendly way of greeting: How are you, my pippins?
• Bolt the moon: Fly by night
• Beaks: Magistrates, law enforcement authorities
• The tippy: The very best

Episode One of Season Three! — A Sunday-evening full episode IN WHICH —

0:04:10: TERRIFIC REGISTER ARTICLE:

• We hear of a spooky coincidence (or is it?): John Dryden, the poet and playwright who became England's first Poet Laureate in 1668, was an astrology buff, and pulled the charts for his newborn son Charles. They were not good news ... but that astrology stuff is just for fun, right? —right?

0:09:10: ROSE MORTIMER; or, THE BALLET-GIRL'S REVENGE:

• SUMMARY OF OUR STORY SO FAR: A Cliff's Notes version to bring new listeners up to speed on the events of Chapter 1-5.
• CHAPTER 6 (starts at 18:50): Rose isn’t out of the woods yet. She’s in this strange house, with this ruffian and his haggish mother, and she can’t help wondering if she’s jumped out of one frying pan and into another. The hag orders her to go upstairs and get some rest. She’d love to … but something tells her these two are not to be trusted, and her host keeps staring covetously at the costume-jewelry bracelet she’s wearing. Is she in danger? (Spoiler: Yes.) How will she escape from their clutches? (Spoiler: By — just kidding! Tune in and you'll soon find out!)

0:34:50: A GHOSTLY SHORT STORY, to wit —

• AN ACCOUNT OF SOME STRANGE DISTURBANCES IN AUNGIER STREET, by J. Sheridan Le Fanu, from 1851. This is Part 1 of 3 parts (Part 2 will come next Sunday).

PLUS —

• We learn a new Flash song (starting around 0:31:30): "Moll Spriggins," full of fun highway-robber slang (see below). — And ...
• We read a satirical letter proposing a New System of Poetry in Punch, the comedy magazine of the 1840s (starting around 0:57:20). — And ...
• We learn a few more Victorian "dad jokes" from good old Joe Miller!

Join host Finn J.D. John. for a one-hour-long spree through the scandal-sheets and story papers of old London! Grab a flicker of blue ruin, unload your stumps, and let's go!

FLASH TERMS USED IN THIS EPISODE:

From intro and outro patter:

• GNOSTIC: Knowing one
• OUT-AND-OUTER: Excellent young person of high spirits
• FLYERS: Shoes
• DEW-BEATERS: Feet
• LUGS: Ears
• BEAKS: Magistrates and judges

• TOWN TABBY: Dowager lady of quality

• PIKE OFF: Flee to avoid being caught
• RED WAISTCOAT: Uniform of the Bow-street Runners, London's first police force
• KNIGHT OF THE BRUSH AND MOON: Drunken fellow wandering amok in fields and ditches trying to stagger home

From comedy article in Punch Magazine:

• SNOB: A shoemaker's helper, also known as a Knight of the Awl
• QUARTERN: A quarter pint, usually of gin

From Flash poem, "Moll Spriggins":

"To the hundreds of Drury I write": Drury-lane was notorious for prostitutes in the early 1800s

"To those who are down in the whit": Whit means prison

"Rattling their darbies with pleasure": Darbies are handcuffs or manacles.

"Who laugh at the rum culls they've bit": Culls are prostitutes' customers.

"And now they are snacking the treasure": Snacking means divvying up.

"The harman is at the Old Bailey": A harman is a constable or beadle.

"For if that they twig ye, they'll nail ye": To twig mean to notice or get wise to.

"She tipt such a jorum of diddle": Diddle was gin.

"Garnish is the prisoner's delight": Garnish was a "fee" charged to new prisoners. This means they made Moll share her gin.

"Her fortune at diving did fail": Diving was pickpocketing.

"The nubbing cull pops from the pit": Nubbing means hanging (nub meant neck).

"O then to the tree I must go": The gallows, as in "Tyburn tree." Not a literal tree.

"And then comes the gownsmen you know": Gownsmen were clergymen or priests.

"The ladder shoves off — then we morris": To morris off meant to depart; it's a reference to being hanged, though, and the "morris dance" done after the drop.

EPISODE ART is the cover art from the original 1867 publication of Rose Mortimer; or, The Ballet-girl's Revenge. It has, of course, been cleaned up and colored.

TRIGGER WARNING: This is a Ha'penny Horrid 'Hursday episode. "Horrid" as in "horror." Thursday is the day we do all the grimdark, grisly, horrifying stories. If murders, war crimes, parricides, and other awful stuff are not something you are interested in hearing about, even 200 years later — feel free to skip this episode and circle back this coming Sunday for the regular Penny Dreadful Variety Hour, when this podcast will be back to being a bright, sunny romp through Penny Dreadful stories!

A half-hour- long 'Hursday Horrid Minisode IN WHICH —

0:03:45: TERRIBLE TIDBIT OF THE DAY for August 7:

• A melancholy account of a young girl who, convinced she would be happier in Heaven, murdered her baby niece, on Aug. 14, 1850.

0:05:10: THE TERRIFIC REGISTER:

• Story of a sailor who drew a knife and dove overboard to retrieve the legs of his dead mess-mate, which the shark had bitten off, and avenge his death.
• A summary of all the times, in medieval England, that a convict was sentenced to have a hand cut off.
• A slightly-less-horrid account of a child, thought to be dead, who revived on the mortuary slab.

0:17:40: THE CRIME, CONFESSION AND EXECUTION OF ROBERT EMOND, THE HADDINGTON MURDERER (a broadsheet ballad).

• Jealous and angry in the wake of a business setback, Robert Emond murdered his sister-in-law, then bludgeoned her daughter to death to keep her quiet. He was hanged for the crimes on March 17, 1830.

Join host Finn J.D. John. for a half-hour-long spree through the darkest and loathliest stories seen on the streets of early-Victorian London! Grab a flicker of blue ruin, switch off your mirror neurons, and let's go!

GLOSSARY OF FLASH TERMS USED IN THIS EPISODE:

• Hop merchant: Dancing-teacher.
• Rum buffer: Jolly host.
• Tears o' the tankard: Strong ale.
• Scandal-broth: Tea.
• Cat lap: Tea.
• Scragging: Hanging.
• Kiddies and kiddiesses: Flash lads and lasses
• Sherry off: To leave, in a tolerable hurry. A corruption of "sheer off."
• Flats: Suckers.

• Chaffing: Talking and bantering while taking a glass or two.
• Knight of the brush and moon: Drunken fellow wandering amok in fields and ditches trying to stagger home.

A "spicy" (-ish) Tuesday Twopenny Terrible Minisode IN WHICH —

0:02:00: SWEENEY TODD, Ch. 55:

• In which: The usurer, John Mundel, begins to realize that Sweeney Todd, the humble barber he has hired to prepare him for his visit to court, is the same man who pretended to be a duke and took him for £8000 with the string of pearls! What will he do? How will Todd get out of this one? We’ll find out today (but there's a pretty strong hint in the title to this episode!)

0:17:00: TWO SALACIOUS SALOON SONGS:

• "The Squire's Thingumbob and Kitty's Whatchamacallit," a frisky supper-club song from the 1830s, sung lustily by gentlemen when there were no ladies about. This rather explicit one describes the amorous adventure of one Squire Ticklecock with a friendly damsel named Kitty.
• "Rum Old Mog," a festive song about a spunky hard-punching doxy and her flash fancy-man. Loaded with flash terms (see below).

Join host Finn J.D. John. for a half-hour-long spree through the scandal-sheets and story papers of old London! Grab a decanter and top off your glass, unload your stumps, and let's go!

GLOSSARY OF FLASH TERMS USED IN THIS EPISODE:

• Hellcats: Women who hang out in gambling hells.
• Lively kiddies: Funny fellows
• Knight of the brush and moon: Drunken fellow wandering amok in fields and ditches trying to stagger home.
• Chaffing: Talking and bantering while taking a glass or two.
• Crib: House, room, or chamber (modern equivalent is "joint"). Originally and still also used to refer to a prostitute's bedroom.
• Cunny: 1840s slang for a lady's vulva. The modern slang equivalent is "pussy."

• Pippin: A funny fellow; also a friendly way of greeting: How are you, my pippins?
• Bolt the moon: Fly by night
• Beaks: Magistrates, law enforcement authorities
• The tippy: The very best

In addition, here are the flash definitions from "Rum Old Mog":

• Rum old Mog was a leary flash mot (wide-awake, on-the-ball underworld girl)
• And she was plump and fat (meaning pleasantly plump and buxom, not obese),
• With twangs in her shoes, a wheelbarrow too,
• And an oil-skin round her hat.
• A blue bird’s eye (bandanna pattern) decked her dairies (boobs) fine
• As she mizzled (hurried off) through Temple Bar
• Of which side of the way I cannot say,
• But she boned (stole) it from a tar (sailor).

• Moll’s flash man was a Chick-lane cove (Chick-lane was a street in the Smithfield neighborhood notorious for criminal activities)
• And he gartered a-low his knee,
• He was three times lagged (transported to Australia) and very near scragged (hanged)
• But he 'scaped it by going to sea;
• With his click (punch) in his fib (fist) and his ranting out
• In his 'Very prime taters' cry (he's a costermonger, selling baked potatoes from a pushcart)
• For the cove of the ken (landlord of the pub or saloon) he valied (cared) not,
• As he’d ridge (money) within his cly (pocket).

• 
  

• On a donkey they rode to a cock and hen club (a supper club where men and women ate, drank, and sang risque songs together)
• At the sign of the Mare and Stallion,
• There sure was such a squad ne'er to be had
• As Moll and her flash companions;
• But Moll being down to (aware of) some loving stuff
• 'Tween her flash man and Poll Sly,
• She peeled off her togs (stripped off her clothes), and when in her buff,
• She blacked the covess’s (woman's) eye.

• But a milling cove (prizefighter), a friend of Poll’s,
• Tipt Moll's fancy-man a blow,
• Which soon knocked up a general fight,
• O Lord what a gallows row! (A gallows row was a knock-down-drag-out fierce enough to get someone sent to the gallows.)
• Some had eyes black'd, some noses crack'd,
• And some had broken bones.
• But the row being over, they lushed in clover (the fight being over, they all relaxed and drank together)
• Then staggered to their homes.

A Sunday-evening full episode IN WHICH —

0:05:00: TERRIFIC REGISTER ARTICLE:

• We hear of an event in which a woman hanged for the murder of her child recovered miraculously, as if God Himself was vouching for her innocence.

0:09:10: BLACK BESS (DICK TURPIN), Ch. 17:

• IN WHICH: Dick withdraws into the shadows to watch the beadle, Solomon Goggs, preparing the church for what looks like it’s going to be a midnight wedding. And as we’ll see, that’s exactly what’s intended. We’ll soon find out who is marrying whom, by dark of night, one of them eager and the other extremely reluctant; but, if you’d like to learn a little more about the actual historical context of this chapter, do yourself the favor of looking up “Elizabeth Pierrepont” on Wikipedia. It’ll be 15 minutes well spent!

0:24:50: THE BLACK BAND, Ch. 17:

• IN WHICH: we cut to a new scene. A heavily veiled woman is meeting a usurer named Mr. Lucas to borrow money. But something is going on; she’s clearly not what she seems. Then we learn that this usurer is Lucas Clavering, Ellen Clavering’s father, who has not heard a word from Ellen in six months and, feeling betrayed by her, no longer cares if he lives or dies. Which is good, because it’s soon obvious that the woman is an agent of the Companions of Midnight, and Colonel Bertrand is this night planning his destruction …

PLUS —

• We learn a new Flash song (starting around 0:22:25): "Cadgers' Holiday," full of fun highway-robber slang (see below). — And ...
• We read a satirical cover letter for the position of Literary Critic for Punch, the comedy magazine of the 1840s. — And ...
• We learn a few more Victorian "dad jokes" from good old Joe Miller!

Join host Finn J.D. John. for a one-hour-long spree through the scandal-sheets and story papers of old London! Grab a flicker of blue ruin, unload your stumps, and let's go!

FLASH TERMS USED IN THIS EPISODE:

• SCAMP FOOT: Street robber
• OLI CAMPOLI: Rogue of the canting crew
• TOGGERY: Clothing
• OLD TOM: Good gin
• PIPKIN: Head
• FLAT: A con man's mark, a sucker
• HAMLET: High constable
• RUM QUOD CULL: A jailer (quod = jail or prison, cull = disparaging reference to a man)
• CADGERS: Beggars and petty thieves
• MAUNDER: To beg
• PECK AND BOOZE: Food and drink
• DOXIES: High-spirited, possibly disreputable ladies
• PIKE OFF: Flee to avoid being caught
• RED WAISTCOAT: Uniform of the Bow-street Runners, London's first police force
• KNIGHT OF THE BRUSH AND MOON: Drunken fellow wandering amok in fields and ditches trying to stagger home

EPISODE ART: A portrait of Elizabeth Chudleigh Hervey Pierrepont, the "bigamous duchess who was also a countess," as a young lady. She appears in today's chapter of Dick Turpin's story.

TRIGGER WARNING: This is a Ha'penny Horrid 'Hursday episode. "Horrid" as in "horror." Thursday is the day we do all the grimdark, grisly, horrifying stories. If murders, war crimes, parricides, and other awful stuff are not something you are interested in hearing about, even 200 years later — feel free to skip this episode and circle back this coming Sunday for the regular Penny Dreadful Variety Hour, when this podcast will be back to being a bright, sunny romp through Penny Dreadful stories!

A half-hour- long 'Hursday Horrid Minisode IN WHICH —

0:02:00: TERRIBLE TIDBIT OF THE DAY for August 7:

• A melancholy account of four small children who in 1855 fell in the River Tame, the swift current of which ill-named river swept them mercilessly away. Only three were saved.

0:03:15: THE MARINE SPECTRE (from The Terrific Register):

• Eager to teach his friend the folly of supernatural dread, a man faked his own death so that he could return, wrapped in a bedsheet, and play ghost. What could possibly go wrong?

0:10:10: THE LAST MOMENTS OF JOHN A. SIMPSON, FOR MURDERING HIS SWEETHEART (a broadsheet ballad).

• John Simpson, 21, had gotten his girlfriend, Annie Ratcliffe, pregnant; and the couple had agreed to get married. On her wedding morning, in a public house, John reached into his pocket for a straight razor, and ....

0:16:40: HORRORS OF A GUILTY CONSCIENCE (from the Terrific Register).

• A short account of the experience of Joseph Le Bon in both meting out and receiving what passed for justice during the French Revolution.

Join host Finn J.D. John. for a half-hour-long spree through the darkest and loathliest stories seen on the streets of early-Victorian London! Grab a flicker of blue ruin, switch off your mirror neurons, and let's go!

GLOSSARY OF FLASH TERMS USED IN THIS EPISODE:

• High gloak: A well-dressed highwayman.
• Arch doxy: High-ranking female canter, gypsy-band leader, or criminal mastermind
• Tears of the tankard: Strong ale.
• Scandal-broth: Tea.
• Cat lap: Another term for tea.
• Scragging: Hanging.
• Kiddies and kiddiesses: Flash lads and lasses
• Sherry off: To leave, in a tolerable hurry. A corruption of "sheer off."
• Flats: Suckers.

• Chaffing: Talking and bantering while taking a glass or two.
• Knight of the brush and moon: Drunken fellow wandering amok in fields and ditches trying to stagger home.