Moynihan is out with a “tooth thing” (which sounds lame, but is allegedly a “painful,” “very serious” dental emergency that definitely doesn't involve a tall, attractive blonde woman). Fortunately, our pal Jesse Singal (Blocked and Reported, Singal-Minded) is along for the ride, and outlines the plans for his heroic crusade to save THE REPUBLIC by beefing with JD Vance on X. We dive into Trump 2.0’s extra-constitutional improvisations, fail to steer clear of trade policy, and search desperately for a silver lining in our late-capitalist, national-populist, increasingly surrealist Idiocracy. Also in the mix: a little Elon drama, libertarian coping strategies, various flavors of executive branch lawlessness, and a surprising outbreak of informed optimism about the future.

* Tooth decay, high-end prostitutes, and podcast logistics

* Jesse Singal enters the chat (possibly still mid–Twitter beef)

* Deportation by executive vibe

* Due process is for losers

* When JD Met Jesse: A Very Sexy Love Story (by Selena Montgomery)

* The most important internet slap-fight in American history

* Hotel El Salvador: now accepting unwanted Americans

* Bannon’s “flood the zone” plan meets sheer incompetence

* Shouting at Bill Hemmer

* Campus protests, free speech, and DHS interns with tasers

* Jesse accidentally agrees with libertarians?

* And can Jesse say one nice thing about JD Vance? (And, “Thank you”!?)

* To the Moon, and Mars, and WHERE ELSE BEYOND

Is this episode 500?? Well, not really. Likely a bit higher. There have been some numbering convention mixups over the years and we’ve also recorded almost 300 paywalled episodes (yes, you should subscribe now, ya skinflints). But let’s just pretend it’s 500 and say…happy 500th episode, Fifth Column!

* Waymo through skid row

* The dumb right

* Dead cats bounce

* They took brown doublewides from us

* Nixon, but in the open

* Where are the Dems?

* Besides magic

* The DEI trade off?

* The sweet meteor of death episode

* Val, Tombstone, Top Secret

* Top Gun takes it to 11

* One the best Hollywood memoirs

* RIP Capucine

* African-American Monday

* Johnny Depp, musician

* OK TIME TO TALK ABOUT THE COLLAPSING ECONOMY

* Spartacus moment? Once they start flipping…

* “They couldn’t believe it. Ben Shapiro, of all people…”

* A Norwegian. A Dane…and a guy who *isn’t Finnish, Matt*

* On the best fight of …

* We bring back the great economist Scott Lincicome to separate MAGA myths from inconvenient facts on trade, trade imbalances, ChatGPT math, and getting “ripped off” by our (former?) allies.

* Note: watch Kmele and Moynihan (and Gerald Posner) on the latest episode of the Moynihan Report

* Eli’s new Liberation Day jam

* These tariffs are dumb

* Really, really dumb

* Ruinously dumb

* Laura Loomer is dumb

* Tom Sowell isn’t dumb

* MAGA’s Iraq

* Tomorrow on The Moynihan Report: Actor and former fat guy Ethan Suplee (American History X, Wolf of Wall Street, Mall Rats, Remember the Titans). You can watch live at 4pm ET here. Archived there too!

* Muslims and parking

* No turkeys in NYC

* Matt to the mothership

* Austin Fifdom

* Kmele and a Complete Unknown

* Our paranoid times

* No MAGA, no paranoia?

* When you’ve lo…

* FYI: If you want to join the Zoom for March 27 episode of The Moynihan Report at 4pm ET, use this link

* The Legend of Gavin and Charlie

* Bob in Tulsa

* Moyn in Miami

* The bumbling Signal Boyz

* We hope our kids never lie like this

* Defund NPR

* Another 25% will save American industry

* Remember the minerals deal?

* The jury on whether we should execute the judiciary

* Car swastikas

* And much, much more!

* Live tweeting history

* The importance of Jack

* The “climate of hate”

* Some of these goofballs are normal

* RIP Manny

* The fake ceasefire

* If only were weren’t a democracy…

* Back to Gaza

* Civil liberties, due process, and magicians

* And a bunch more….

* The golden age of Oaktown’s 357 ("I just put Juicy, Got Him Crazy into Chat GPT to determine what it's about and it is definitely a song about...."

* Yes, we briefly talk about forgotten about rappers and their dumb lyrics

* Pumps and the Bump

* Grok has this to say about our Hammer convo: “The casual acceptance of MC Hammer’s Speedo situation is absurdly funny.”