I currently feel like an arthritic porn star who made a name for herself deep-throating cheese graters. In other words, I’m in pain—and I think it’s probably a good time to talk about my experience while I’m in this state.

Because, honestly, most days lately, I’m walking around in a kind of bliss. My day-to-day life feels indistinguishable from what some might call Heaven.

And I genuinely believe that the idea of Heaven can only be this reality. Not something elsewhere, but right here. And to the extent that we open our eyes—and our hearts—to that possibility, we begin to live it. We live as it.

And yet, here I am—simultaneously having this very real experience of flu symptoms and body aches. Sensations that are unmistakably horrible.

So how can I justify saying this is still perfection? How can I continue to feel like there's really nothing wrong?

The truth is... I’m not sure I fully can.

In this session, I narrate (in real time) the process I go through when I feel flooded with anxiety, and decide to give it my full attention. At first, I struggle to locate anxiety in my body - but with time, unpleasant sensations become clearer. I'm able to work with my emotional bind, even just a little bit. Along the way, I realize just how fucked up my situation is - probably beyond any kind of lasting resolution. And at the same time, I discover a sense of that being totally fine, even in its fuckedness.

Leading into the new year, I experienced what felt like an uninterrupted depression for about 6 months. To date, this had been the darkest period of my life. But in some way which remains mysterious, it felt deeply necessary. And now, on the other side of it, I seem to be experiencing a level of childlike freedom I haven't known since childhood.