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Few things cause as much stress, anxiety and fear as the process of divorce. Much of that comes from the "not knowing" piece of the process and on this episode of Divorce Curious, my goal is to fill in as many blanks for you as possible about what to expect from the process with the expert guidance of Indiana-based family law attorney, and proud mom of 7, Portland Schnitzius.

This isn't just your standard list of do's and don'ts, but a heartfelt and well intentioned conversation to give you a real taste of what to expect if you're considering getting a divorce and how you can best prepare yourself for what may lie ahead in the process for you.

Key themes in this episode include financial control and recognizing emotional abuse in your marriage.

There was so much great info that came during my conversation with Portland that this will be shared in a Part 1/Part 2 style so make sure you listen to both episodes so you can soak in all of Portland's wisdom. You don't want to miss any of this important conversation, I promise you that!

*disclaimer: Portland practices in Indiana so this guidance is through her experience with the family law guidelines in that state. This is not specific legal advice, so please consult with your own attorney for next steps and guidance in your specific situation.

Key Takeaways:

• Divorce can be a complex and emotional journey, you don't want to try to navigate it on your own.
• Understanding financial control and abuse is crucial for those in toxic relationships.
• Social media has played a significant role in raising awareness about unhealthy relationships.
• Many individuals feel empowered to seek divorce after recognizing their situation is not normal.
• The legal landscape of divorce includes both assets and debts, regardless of whose name they are in.
• Financial independence is essential for anyone considering divorce.
• The emotional toll of divorce can be mitigated by gathering information and resources.
• Women often report wishing they had divorced sooner after the process is complete.
• The level of conflict in divorces has increased since COVID-19.
• Therapists and legal professionals are increasingly recognizing patterns of emotional abuse.

About Portland:

Portland Schnitzius is an attorney licensed in the State of Indiana since 1993. She has been practicing family law for over a decade in areas such as divorces, paternity cases (contested matters between never married parents), adoptions, child custody/parenting time disputes, co-parenting disputes, guardianships and child support. She is a graduate of Indiana University McKinney school of Law in Indianapolis, Indiana and her office is located in a suburb of Indianapolis – Fishers Indiana. She is an Indiana Supreme Court registered domestic mediator, a Guardian Ad Litem, a Parenting Coordinator serving high conflict co-parents, and is trained in collaborative divorce. She enjoys volunteer work with Kids Voice of Indiana serving as an advocate for children and youth in the family court system.

She was born and raised in Southern California and graduat

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Sometimes I get shocked. Sometimes I get surprised. Sometimes I get both. This interview with Stephanie Sadural was one of those times.

I enjoy intrigue and being surprised. Because of that, there are some interviews I do where I don't know the guest well and I don't know much at all about their story. You learn about them and their story at the same time I do, as they share themselves with us here on the podcast. Unfiltered and real. Just the way I like it!

There is so much to unpack in this episode as Stephanie shares the unexpected twist and turns in her marriage, how her husband revealing he was bisexual, and then gay, created an opportunity for them to love each other and their family in a deeper way, and what life looks like now as she's settled into the next chapter of life and love, doing things in her own way this time around.

The most shocking part of this story to me wasn't the revelations or the unusual changes in their day-to-day family life, it was the immense amount of compassion, love and patience that Stephanie displays through it all.

I'd like to think I could be so gracious but I fear I would not be. I can be a petty queen when my feelings are hurt or someone betrays me.

I hope that this episode, and Stephanie's example, challenges you to love others better, love unconditionally even when it's really hard, and embrace all the things that you love about yourself as fully as you possibly can.

Takeaways From The Episode:

• Understanding identity shifts is crucial in relationships.
• Open communication is key during marital challenges.
• Compartmentalizing emotions can help in legal matters during divorce, it can be lengthy and draining.
• Support systems play a vital role in navigating divorce.
• Every divorce story is unique and personal.
• Finding peace of mind is invaluable during transitions. Acceptance is crucial when facing an immovable situation.
• Emotional processing can be visualized as swimming through jello.
• Separating emotional issues from financial matters is essential during divorce.
• Open communication with an ex-partner can aid in emotional healing.
• Co-parenting can be successful with mutual respect and collaboration.
• New relationships can bring peace of mind when trust is established.
• Maintaining friendships with ex-partners can lead to healthier family dynamics.

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There are some people that you meet in your life and just know instantly that you're going to be friends with for a very long time. For me, one of those people is Kara Kavensky.

I've watched Kara go through the worst things that a person should have to endure, including a traumatic marriage, and subsequent divorce, from an abusive narcissist and the tragic loss of her son. And the most incredible thing about her, is that she moves through all of the devastating pain with a beautiful open heart and a passion for telling stories of hope and love.

And joy.

Finding Joy to be more specific.

Kara captures much of her journey in her upcoming memoir, Finding Joy, where she shares her awakening moment, the impact of witnessing a beautiful love story between Bob and Joy, and how it inspired her to find courage in her own life.

We talk about the importance of healing before entering new relationships, the challenges of divorce, and the significance of self-love and seeking out positive examples of things you most desire to have in your own life.

Takeaways

• Kara's awakening moment occurred during her third pregnancy, realizing she was in an abusive relationship with a dangerous narcissist.
• Therapy and energy modalities helped Kara cope and heal during her marriage.
• Bob and Joy's love story became a beacon of hope for Kara during her darkest times.
• Kara emphasizes the importance of healing before entering new relationships.
• Divorce is a challenging process, and seeking professional help is crucial.
• Self-love and positive examples are essential for personal growth.
• Kara's memoir aims to inspire others to believe in love after hardship.
• Collecting evidence of positive relationships can empower individuals.
• It's important to set boundaries and prioritize mental health during difficult times.

No one person should have to endure the pain that my friend Kara has. It's just not fair. Even so, Kara has chosen to live a fully authentic life, out loud and proudly sharing her story, and help be a source of light and that beacon of hope that so many of us can use right now.

Listen, be inspired, and then share this episode with someone in your life that needs this positive evidence of the possibility of finding the love you desire, even against all of the odds.

Connect with Kara directly and follow her work at:

https://www.karakavensky.com/

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This conversation with my dear friend Anna Sutter left me jaw-dropped, tearful, and in true admiration that this brilliant, big-hearted friend of mine endured and overcame all of the trauma and pain that she experienced growing up in her tumultuous family dynamic.

It proved once again that you never really know someone's story until you get a chance to sit down and hear it in their own words.

We have an honest and raw conversation exploring the complexities of learning ti survive an abusive family member at a very young age, the impact the growing up seeing one parent be a loving, supportive provider while one parent is destructive and neglectful, and how those experiences continue to impact and shape you even as an adult.

With a focus on finding compassion in painful experiences, our conversation aims to provide insights and support for those facing similar struggles. Anna bravely shares her profound insights on the impact of her mother's courageous decision to leave an abusive relationship. She reflects on the relief and gratitude she and her siblings felt after their mother left, the challenges of growing up in a single-parent household, and the financial struggles that accompanied it.

The discussion delves into the societal judgment faced by divorced women, the importance of support systems, and the internal battles of self-doubt versus intuition when making life-altering decisions.

The hope is that in hearing Anna's story, you can borrow her bravery and that of her mother to protect yourself and your children when you need to make choices that you can be proud of in the long run.

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In this episode, I have a candid and vulnerable conversation with Maggie McGrann LMHC-A, NCC where we discuss the intrinsic link between mental health and relationships, particularly focusing on the challenges women face in maintaining their mental well-being within partnerships.

We get real about the true, and often unspoken, impact of divorce on both parents and children, emphasizing the importance of authenticity, self-value, and the courage to make difficult decisions for the sake of personal happiness.

Having both gone through the painful circumstances of divorce and facing the judgement of those close to us, we take a deep dive into societal expectations surrounding marriage and divorce. As mothers, we both experienced losing some of the people we thought would be most supportive of us, and were surprised to find people we wouldn't have expected to show up for us in big ways do just that, emphasizing how important it is to find the right type of support when navigating divorce and co-parenting.

As a mental health professional, Maggie shares invaluable and actionable ways to help you focusing on what you can control, shares the value of meditation for mental clarity, and highlights the opportunity to model resilience for children during challenging times.

Key Takeaways:

• Prioritizing your mental health is a form of love for your children.
• Women often neglect their mental health in partnerships.
• Authenticity in relationships is crucial for well-being.
• Cultural messages can hinder personal growth and self-value.
• Divorce can actually lead to healthier family dynamics for the children.
• Support systems are vital during transitions like divorce.
• You have the right to prioritize your own happiness.
• Radical acceptance is key to moving forward after divorce.
• Divorce doesn't have to be a negative experience.
• If you're waiting for your partner to acknowledge your feelings, you'll never be okay.
• Accepting someone's capacity to meet your needs is crucial for your mental health.
• Redirect your energy towards what you can control in your life.
• Understanding the divorce process can alleviate fear and anxiety.
• Detaching from emotional triggers can help maintain your peace.
• Building a support network of those who understand your situation is vital.
• Tools like meditation can help you reconnect with your inner voice and intuition.
• Modeling emotional intelligence for your children is essential.

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This is the most important interview I'll ever do. I have no doubt about that.

When my daughter texted me and asked if she could be a guest on this podcast, I couldn't have been more surprised. Or more afraid, honestly.

As her mom, the single most important priority in my life since before the day she was born was always trying to do the best thing for her. My biggest fear has been, and always will be, making the wrong decision and doing something that will hurt her. It has kept me up more night than I can even count.

I know I'm not alone in that fear and many of you can relate to that very same thing.

She became the child of divorce at very young age. And while I've always tried to talk openly with her about her experience throughout her life growing up as a child of divorced parents, I know there are many assumptions I've made about what that has felt like for her.

This conversation with her gave me so many insights into her actual experience, answered so many questions I've had, and change my perspective on a lot of my own feelings and assumptions I've had as her mom.

We cover A LOT of ground on this one and it's a little longer than most of my episodes but I think it's worth every single minute and I hope that listening in on this raw and candid conversation can help you in some way.

Nothing was off limits in this conversation and we touch on so many topics including:

- When she first realized divorced parents weren't the norm

- How other kids, and their parents, treated her when they found out her parents were divorced

- The impact that living in two different households, with two very different families, had on how she viewed and expressed herself

- How her relationships with both me and her dad has changed through the years as she realized we were just normal people with flaws and our own lives

- How going up with divorced parents has impacted her view of her own relationships and what she thinks about what her future relationships and family will look like.

And so much more.

This is basically me having a conversation with a giant piece of my heart and my most favorite person in the entire world and sharing it with the world.

It was scary. It was awesome. And it changed me in the best way.

K - I love you more than anything and I'm SO proud to be your mom.

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